Fat Fat Fat Fat FAT

So this is my first post.
My name -> Sayde
Im 15.
Sometimes i would say im an optimist
but other times i would just call myself a depressed bitch.
I suffer from bulimia and i have some anorexic tendencies.
No ones fault but my own i guess.
But heres my story anyways.
Summer of 2010 (Yes last year) I had just moved back to my hometown and me and my friend Sarah decided that we were fat and needed to get skinny for varsity soccer...Well the only problem was soccer was 2 weeks away. We spent countless hours in her pool. Did countless crunches and sit ups. and ate what we considered "healthy". That ugly number 190 didnt change. Then soccer rolled around and we started having 2 hour practices everyday. By the end of soccer i weighed 175. and i was obsessed with counting calories and knowing myself as FAT.  To make things worse Sarah my "friend" starting taunting me with "oh i ate so much less than you." and "you're gonna gain all that weight back." I used to come home from her house crying because i wasnt perfect and knew i never would be. I guess i can thank her for helping me lose weight but at the same time she drop kicked me into an eating disorder. She still makes little comments but not to me. and everytime i hear her comments i shudder to myself and feel like crawling in my bed and never coming out EVER. but people like that arent worth it. or thats what my rents say. One night not to long ago Sarah had taunted me so bad through texting i was crying at my mothers house. That night my mom sat me down and told me i was the most beautiful of her three children. (LIAR) and that she was worried that i would get a mental disorder because i worry way to much. Well to late mom. In addition to Sarah my little brother always finds it fun to slip a little "hey fatass" in everytime im around. "Yeah Love yew too." is my normal response i know hes my brother but it takes a hard hit on my selfesteem. so honestly by now my selfesteem is at a negative 50. ugh. So even after an ass kicking 43 pounds lost i still see that fat 190 pound girl everytime i look in mirror. 190 to 147 and i still look the same. GREAT. 39 pounds to go for my goal weight but i think i wanna go lower once i lose that. i dont know yet.
But anyways....i walked 12 miles today and then binged.
ugh. and i thought the day started off rough
I was on a fast.
Cereal ruined that.
I'm completely hopeless.
I'm always going to be the F word.
yes i said it FAT.
Out of all the swear words i have ever heard i think thats the worse.