Blahhh.

So i almost died today in practice -_- this girl who weighs about 75 pounds more than me just slammed right into me. She took out my knee. :(  and so it hurts to walk and run. if this ruins my season i'll kill someone. And my gosh so many weird things have been happening lately. That girl who clobbered me is dating my ex and theyre putting me into the middle of it. ugh. i dont care what they do i just dont wanna be in the middle of it right now. ive got enough going on as it is. 

but anywayyy... i went almost a whole day without purging. but then the pressure got to me.

i bawled my eyes out when it happened. I'm never strong enough to beat mia. i thought for sure today was gonna be the day i finally went without purging. i was wrong.

I looked at my throat last night and its so swollen its disgusting.

IWANTTOSTOP.

but then again.

I dont.

Well hello cereal, Have you met Mia?

Soooo....worst night ever. but yet it was fucking hilarious. i swear i almost shit my pants. So everything was fine and dandy when i snuck out of the house and met my guy friend like the night before. but this time he gave me a redbull. bahahahahahaha! i fucking love those things...but i had nothing in my stomach so i was shaking the whole time i was with him. So me and my WHORE self went to his house tonight....we had sex on the fucking living room floor.

Sorry for all the F bombs i swear alot when im hyper.

I laughed the whole time. it was funny to watch him get so insecure because i have no sex drive and wanted nothing to do with it so i didnt help him. but when we were done his fucking mother comes downstairs so i have to hide behind the couch. and he pretends to be asleep on the couch. he had to throw a blanket over me to hide me. it was SOOOOO funny. then his mom tripped over my shoes and thought NOTHING of it. even my phone fell out of my shoes. but as shes going back upstairs my head hits singing elmo. FML. i swear i almost shit my pants she came into the living room looked at me then when back upstairs. i thought i was toast. finally 10 minutes after her being upstairs he takes the blanket off of me and opens up the front door and lets me bolt. i love happy endings... but this was not one of them XD i get halfway down the road to my house and he texts me "im sorry" im sure you are fucker. but at least i got my redbull♥ but anyways i feel like a super whore so i just ate a HUGE bowl of cereal thats going to meet mia in about 2 minutes. Maybe i'll feel better....i bet not. im so screwed. i said id never have sex with him again and look what happens. oops i did it again. (alright Britney Spears) whatever. i just wanted to say that all of my clothes actually came off this time. poor me. and my stupid mistakes. im not blaming this one on mia. this was the redbull all the way. Ohh i just wanted to say it was the best night because of his mom.

ILOVEHER.

Bahahahahaha!

<3Saydeee

Just do it. You know you want to.

Mia is screaming at me.

i ate today.

yes i ate REAL food.

i had a cupcake (birthday party) a hamburger and peas. 

But Mia wants me to purge.

I have no intention of listening to her today.

I've put up with her shit for way too long.

I'm not going to purge today mia.

But i can feel the food creeping back up my throat. My body wants to purge too. but my mind is screaming NO.

The real me is screaming NO.

and its been a while since ive heard the real me. 

I will not be your slave today Mia. 

Thats Final.

<3Saydeee 

I'm Complete Shit.

So I went for a walk tonight with my friend thats a guy.

we seriously walked 10 miles or more. and everything was fine. but it was 1 in the morning so whenever cars came we jumped in the ditch and it was fun. Everything was going fine until the walk was over and we went to the town park. It was 3:30 now and he wanted me to have sex with him. we argued over it for over an hour. i almost gave in. but i couldnt. i really didnt want to. i really like him. but hes a whore to put it plain and simple. I just felt so pressured to do it tho. it made me feel like crap. Even when he kissed me it didnt feel right. lately i've been so cold to peoples touch. it just doesnt seem natural anymore. i'm so cold.. i hate it. i used to love people and being touched. but now...its just so wrong.

But it might just be because all im wanted for is sex...

I've only had sex twice. but every guy i talk to only wants sex. they have no idea how unappealing it is to me after being used and forced into doing things. I hate it. i hate boys. i joke about being a lesbian all the time because im so afraid of being used by guys again.

Kisses dont feel like kisses anymore.

I'm even numb when it comes to hugs.

I WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING AGAIN. 

Even right now im texting a boy who only wants one thing. i need to cut everyone out of my life and start fresh again. i wanna be around people who actually care about me and my wellbeing. i wanna be by people who dont verbally abuse me. i wanna be by people who understand! 

but i live in a small town so there is no one who understands.

i think im the only one with Bulimia. 

and i hate being alone. 

Maybe i should get help...

but i'm not ready yet.

<3Saydeee 

Liquid Fast following ABC guidelines.

Jeez when is the dieting shit gonna end?!

I shouldnt be worrying about any of this crap. i should be living a normal 15 year old life.

but no.

I'm fucking screwed up in the head.

I never had a chance.

not even from the beginning.

Fate had a plan for me. and this was it.

So anyways.

my goreous best friend is way prettier and skinner than me.

and i HATE IT.

she doesnt see it tho :(

But tonight when she told me on the phone her shopping trip today it made me feel like shit.

I'm so huge compared to her.

i guess this is what we call jealousy.

but honestly im not really all that jealous.

i just wish i wasnt a whale.

I wish i didnt have to throw up everything i eat.

or watch calories.

I wish i could recover and start losing weight the healthy way again.

haha...yeah right. that plan is so fucked.

So again i am liquid fasting and now exercising 3 hours a day.

2 hour soccer practice and then an hour when i get home.

but i'll probably gain. or binge.

because im a fucking hopeless whale with no friends who cant control what she eats.

I cant wait till school. i wont be left alone all day to binge.

i hate eating infront of people. thats when i restrict.

I NEED SCHOOL!

I'm always alone at home. i need people. im so lonely here.

I need another Ana friend.

but a scary strict one.

I need someone to help me resist temptations.

cause lord knows i cant do it alone.

<3Saydee

aka. Failure.

Bra Shopping.

So.

i officially hate my boobs.

a hundred times more than before.

Before i lost all the weight i was a 42DD

and i THOUGHT i was a 38D

Apparently not.

The first lady who measured me told me i was a 32DD.

That size doesnt exist.

Then the next girl who measured me told me i was a 36DD.

ugh! As soon as i was told i was still a DD i cried.

i was so frustrated. i lost 50 pounds.

How in the Hell am i still a DD?!

ugh :( so shopping was terrible.

Then to make things worse when i was telling my asshole (boyfriend) about it he mocked me.

so looks like hes getting the sighlent treatment again. especially for his rude little comments. he made me cry on the phone again.

And then i watched Degrassi.

Some Katie girl on there is bulimic and it triggered me so bad.

so i ended up binging and purging again. :(

My poor throat.

Dear Throat,

I'm sorry i abuse you everyday.

i really dont mean it anymore.

it just happens.

and i hope in the future we can be friends again♥

Love,

Me

But thank god my brother is a jerk. when i was eating he immediately called me a fatass and a porker and told me to stop eating because i was fat enough.

i hate when hes right -_-

Time to get some sleep i guess.

<3Saydeee

OhMyGoshWhatARush♥

Soccer = My new obsession.

When i'm with my team i dont feel so alone.

we all struggle and work together.

When i'm on that field nothing matters anymore.

I dont have an eating disorder.

I'm not thinking about the calories or how fat i am.

Its about helping everyone finish that mile.

Its about working together.

I love it.

and it doesnt hurt that im one of the top dogs too (:

Even after practice.

i went for a mile jog.

totaling 2 1/2 miles today

then all of the other exercises we did :)

and im gonna work out again tonight.

I cant wait for practice tomorrow.♥

The only downside to the first practice was my jerk of a boyfriend had practice too and he told me how much i jiggled talking about my chest and it made me cry >:[ i've always been so self concious of my chest because my wonderful grandmother gave me her genes for big boobs.

 R.I.P Grandma Lucy♥ 

so im currently not talking to him. which is good. i need a break from all the verbal abuse.

and i will get that break! :)

muahaha. to the shower!

<3Sayde 

Sunshineee♥

Sooo....

Soccer does start tomorrow.

Our coach pulled so many strings for us♥

Ahh so in about 8 hours i will be running up and down that soccer field.(:

And! to make everything 100 times better my mom bought me a kayak♥

i LOVE kayaking and now i finally have my own. this is so amazingg!!

I get to pick it up after practice tomorrow with my step dad.  and maybe even go for a test drivee.

So today I'm starting the ABC diet again. but this time....theres a group.

phew! its gonna be alot easier with alot of support.

and i'm still doing the liquid fast so all my calories will be coming from coffee, tea, milk, water and diet soda. woo! 

My life seems kinda good right now (:

<3Saydeee

Soccer :(

I'm so angry. Soccer doesnt start on monday because the guy who runs our school is an asshole. so the boys get to start but we dont. ugh!!!! I was so excited i've been exercising twice as hard and this is what i get a fricken great surprise that oh! you dont start on monday sorry. ugh. i wanted this so bad. i HATE soccer but i was so excited because im in shape this year and im gonna kick some ass. but now i have to wait to kick ass. its only a week but its gonna throw me off so bad. :(

In other news i have a bad feeling about today...i think i might get sent to the hospital..i can feel something very wrong going on inside my body right now and i know that i might just wake up in a hospital. or maybe i wont and its just the hunger talking to me. but hey! if i do i can kiss soccer goodbye so im gonna chug water and pray for the best. i really need to start being safer...

<3 Saydeee

a rant?

I'm so sick of this.

this helplessness.

it seems as if the only thing i can do is binge then purge then starve and start the cycle all over again. i hate it. i wish i could just stick to having my self control so i didnt have to go purge after everything! and i'm sick of my parents blaming all the food missing on my older sister just because shes a little overweight when its really my fault.  All they do is call her fat and lazy. none of them have tried to help her. they did it to me too. so i had to relearn everything. how to eat right when i had been taught these bad eating habits by my grandma and dad. and when the house is stocked with junk food because of my step mom. i cant exactly ask her to stop because its not fair to everyone else in the house. But then everyone complains they're fat. and i look at them. they have no idea what its like to truely be fat. to hate yourself completely. to have no selfcontrol. I wish they knew i had problems. i wish they could help me. i wish they would stop picking on me for being Fat. for being ugly. for being clueless.

But they dont realize what ive become and they probably never will. its gotten bad. my teeth are gross and i have sores inside my mouth and who knows whats wrong with my throat. thats a mystery. i guess i'm just a sad lonely 15 year old who is sick of the lying. sick of the binging sick of the purging. 

But what happens if they find out?

do i get better?

do i get worse?

do i get kicked off the soccer team. will my friends hate me. will they understand? Will they turn away? what will my teachers think? will i get bullied even more?

I'm just so scared. i cant sleep anymore either. i dont want to. i'm afraid i'll go into cardiac arrest and never wake up.  i'm afraid i wont live until im 20. i have dreams about my death. i have dreams about breaking fasts. i cry myself to sleep. i dont wanna live this way. but i dont wanna get better either. a part of me likes the thrill of...

will i be here tomorrow?

I hate admiting it. i hate it. 

i guess i do love you Mia.

See you in the mirror.

New start? i think so. :)

Sooo seeing that soccer starts in 1 week

(i'm so excited!)

i'm restarting my 150 day diet.

and since my parents are really on me to exercise before the season starts

(i'm more on me than my rents)

 it seems like the perfect time to restart. So i'm gonna :) 

Day One: Fast

I'm only 3 hours in but i have a good feeling about today. i hope it all goes well. Already at 2:30 in the morning my sister wanted me to make her a grilled cheese sandwich but i refused to because that might of meant me falling into a binge. they've been so easily triggered lately that i didnt wanna risk it. So i didnt and i got out of the kitchen as fast as i could.

I'm rather excited to succeed. i KNOW i can do it. theres no telling what i can do with a little confidence and courage.

Also, i was told by a friend that we can go 70 days without food and still survive. i take that challenge. but not with just water and tea. i'm going to do a liquid fast

(mostly water, tea, hot cocoa, milk, coffee and orange juice)

and still stay under my calorie intake for my diet.

Meaning today is an all tea and water day.

But no worries i paint my room today that should take up alot of time :)

Lifeee :)

So i guess i just wanted to talk a little about my life and whats going on. Lately my friends and my sister have been trying to push me into recovery and what they dont understand is that i wont be able to recover until i WANT to recover. and quite frankly i dont wanna recover just yet or ever. but tonight i had a heart to heart with one of my friends i havent spoke to in a while. We talked about her family (which is the definition of disaster) and how she felt about it. she burst out in tears on my bed and i felt so badd :( But before all the tears i definately had a fun day with her! we dressed up in hats and crazy glasses and took my light saver thing all around town in the rain. we looked crazyy!!! but thats the fun part :) other than that not much else is going on besides soccer and painting my room.  Oh and i have a best meeting on Wednesday. but those arent to fun. haha.  as the Spanish people would say Buenos noches! ( ihopethatswhat they would say XD)  

Addicted.

I think I'm addicted to purging.  nuff said.
I have no control of my gag reflex either so i've been throwing up even the littlest of things. -_-
Love yew too Mia.
<3Saydeee

Whale. blubbery blubbery WHALE.

So i planned on fasting today to try to help my throat.
but god damn. i caved at 18 hours.
It all started with some egg whites.
then i decided to make an omelet.
140 calories for eggs
40 for mushrooms
and 60 for some cheese.
240. ugh.
so i figured hey! some grapes wont kill you.
and then i moved to a cucumber.
That was it. but i cant keep it down.
So surprise surprise im going to purge when im done with this.
Then punish myself with helping dad with haybails and doing and hour and a half of cardio. yay!
ugh. why cant i just stay away from food.
if i could i wouldnt be such a WHALE.
I mean really im a blubbery blubbery whale.
i cant stand it.
I wish mia would quit being a bitch and let me have some more ana time.
i mean is that to much to ask?
especially since my throat is fucked.
Whatever. i hope i end up in the hospital. maybe then this stupid shit will be over.
My best friend told me she was worried and it was time for me to get some help.
but i honestly dont think im to bad.  and i dont really wanna quit.
I feel bad tho cause i told her i would get help back in April. and i never did.
I'm not bad enough to need help.
Im perfectly fine.
I'm better than fine.
I'm that Blubbery Whale.
<3Saydeee

Night terrors? I couldnt be so lucky.

So i went to bed early yesterday around 11ish.
and everything was alright. but then i woke up.
4 o'clock something isnt right.
My head is pounding i stagger to the bathroom.
Pass out. then wake up 5 minutes later and start puking blood.
Great.
Not only was i puking blood my heart was beating at the speed of light and i could tell i was severely dehydrated.
All i could think about was water. water. water.
I couldnt yell for help. not that i wouldve wanted to my cuts were showing and no one needs to know that i cut just one more thing i'll get yelled at for.
But anyways at about 5am i crawled back to my bedroom (with my waterbottles) and dragged my garbage bin by my bed and kept the light on. i can remember how hard it was to breathe it was really really scary.
I thought i was going to die.
i shouldve yelled for help.
But then at 11am i woke up alive. cuddled with three empty waterbottles and my light on with the garbage bin near my bed.
i guess im lucky. but im scared. i dont wanna tell my dad. tho i probably should.
i just dont want him disapointed in me. although i dont know why i even try.
i disapoint everyone else. whats one more person?
<3Saydeee

So..

Well i'm not gonna let today bother me.
especially cause i just exercised my butt off.
1000 jump ropes
30 minutes of walking
300 crunches
and 10 minutes of a full out sprint.
I know i could do better and i'll probably end up doing more once i'm done with this.
but i just wanted to say that i'm not gonna wait until tomorrow to make things right.
The road to beautiful starts now.
yes right now.
I'm back at my dads and i can eat or not eat in peace.
which is pretty awesome seeing that my mom has been shoving food in my face all day.
No eating tonight.
I might do a fast tomorrow(20 minutes from now)
i might not.
day three of my diet is 400 or less...

I'm fasting tomorrow.
No doubt.

but really i wanna say i just cant wait until the 22nd♥
My varsity soccer team starts practice then and thats 2 hours of preseason running 5 days a week!!! :)
Plus my hour of free exercise everyday.
the pounds will shed off like nothing especially since im going to start fasting twice a week.
(yes thats part of my new diet♥)
Woo! the only problem is that alot of my fasting days are also game days.
so i'll have to rework my diet for a little energy before the gamess.
but that wont be hard.
hehe. wish me luck!
<3Saydeee

Day two...

300 cals.
thanks mom you fucked up my day.
purged. 3 times.
fast for three days after this. i cant believe this -_-

New diet that I'll actually stick to :)

I finally realized that you need to have rewards to stick to your diet. and rules too.
So this might sound crazy but i made my own diet that is 150 days long.
just so i can stay on track for the rest of the year :)
It might kill me. haha no actually its not to awful.
But my rewards are so nice.
i'm really gonna do this<3
Day one: 500cals.
so far....
3 cups of coffee 62 cals.
peas 70 cals
corn 60 cals
192 at 1:20pm.
i'll be safe until dinner<3
150 days to go :)

CW:143
Goal weight 1: 140 by August 12th.
Reward = bragging rights. you lost 50lbs (:

Terrible day.

It started terrible and ended even worse. I'm gonna be fat forever i swear.
First i had a huge bowl of cereal before i went running -_-
then we dropped my brother off at dads house
when we got back my mom made me eat a sandwich.
Shower purging...its not pretty.
then i was fine until i got really hungry. whatthefuck?
so i had a banana and a yogert.
i was still hungry.
ugh. food is seriously controlling me.
thankfully we went to walmart so i couldnt eat anything else.
but then we had tacos for dinner.... and then blueberries and cream. -_-
my mom left to go check on my grandpa and my sister was sitting in the living room so i purged in the backyard.
when my mom got back we had cantelope. which doesnt bother me as much but wow. im such a pig.
then 2 hours later...wheat thins milk and soybeans.
oh and i had two lollipops to keep me from bingeing.
What happened to my control?!

But in other news... my mom gave me a bulimia talk last night and then today she called me fat. whatthefuck? my family is so confusing. i cant wait to go home so i can skip meals and get my control back. i'll have to fast for a week to clear this up. whatever. my own fault. oh and my mom wouldnt let me exercise after my run either!!!! this is so screwed up.

Oh and i was talking to my old friend about the good ole days...and i think this isnt the first time i've had an eating disorder...i guess we forget the things we dont wanna remember. in the 7th grade i refused to eat just about anything and i was borderline anorexic...well probably just anorexic. its just weird to think about. was that really me?

Days to go: not enough.
Pounds to go: 5,000

ugh. here comes disappointment.
:(
<3Saydeee

Dear Food.

I HATE YOU!
You havent done a single good thing for me.
You have made me chubby overweight and obese since my childhood
and you still haunt me today in my teen years.
IHATEYOU!
You have gotten me called so many names i cant keep track.
You have gotten me bullied since the 5th grade.
You have ruined my life.
So i've decided no more fucking around.
No more empty promises.
No more you!
You had your last chance.
No more chances.
No matter how many times i smell you or see you or people offer you to me i will say....
NO!
I will not let you control my life anymore.
Never again.
Goodbye food.
I dont need you anymore.
Sincerely,
Me.

Mia at Breakfast.

So today i was going to be nice to my sister and make her and her friends who all partied and got drunk without me pancakes for breakfast.
(The Alcohol family definately has to many calories so i didnt go)
I did.
But in return for making their breakfast one of her friends called me bulimic and told me i was disgusting.
Now she was kidding but it didnt take long to make me go into a "binge" and have two pancakes.
Plain of coarse♥ yum!
but i felt terrible afterwards and ended up purging.
I just wanna break the purging cycle. my throat kills.
Then i talked to my sister about it and she told me it was my own problem that her friend called me bulimic because i act so strange around food. thanks sis.
But now we are headed off to my moms in an hour or two.
it'll be easy to avoid food for the rest of the day because im so disappointed in myself.
But last night i had a walking movie marathon by myself.
i was on my tredmils watching movies for a while but after 75 minutes on the tredmil i got bored and went outside and did 1000 jump ropes. then i went back in the house and did 200 calories on my ellipitical. so all together it was 1,116 calories. not bad for me at 10:30 at night :)
i was proud. hopefully i'll be able to workout just as hard at my moms tonightt.

So in other news i put my absolute favorite shorts in the world on today and they're to big! :)
i'm kinda sad tho. i REALLY liked those shorts.
but hey there will be new shorts very soon! :)
the only downfall about the very soon part is I'm scared to go school shopping.
what if i'm a large in shirts? or a 13 in pants?! that'd be terrible for me.
but last time i checked i was a 9 in pants and a medium in shirts.
But i wanna be at least a 7 before i go school shopping.  but that might not happen :(
We'll see tho. i have a few tricks up my sleeves.
Muahaha.
54 days♥
Not a clue how many pounds to go.
To scared to check.
<3Saydeee 

This is getting F**king ridiculous.

Fasting again.
Well attempting it with a friend who doesn't have an ED.
This could end up bad.
Wooo! -_-
35 pounds to go.♥
Beautiful here i come.

Just a little bit of Sunshinee♥

The title is kinda ironic cause there was absolutely no sunshine here today just rain.
So i had an absolutely awesome food day :)
105 until my sister made me eat a yogert. but hey 185 isnt bad either :)
Started getting ready for soccer season tonight....which like starts in 2 weeks and im scared.
Apparently the coach makes you work seriously hard.
oh well a little exercise never killed anyone...or did it... :)
and seeing that i wanna lose 35 more pounds before September 28th♥ this will be a golden opportunity to eat less and exercise more. YAY!(:
before yah know it the pounds will be shedding off and i'll be beautiful!
Im so excited!
I wanna look like a Barbie♥
Barbie is definately my idol. Shes so perfect!
I'm gonna be her for halloween.
yeah i still dress up for halloween cause im cool like that! :)
Perfection here i come!
<3Saydeee

Mia i hate you.

UGH!!!!!!
Worst possible day ever!!
Well food wise..
I wasnt doing to bad until after my best meeting. and what we were focusing on in best today was bullying and how we hoped to end it in my highschool... it triggered me to go home and eat...eat. eat.
oh gosh Mia how i HATE you.
I swear if i couldnt purge i'd probably be 800 pounds....no joke -_-
I'm sick of the food im my house disappearing because of me. me. me.
even my dad told me i needed to stop eating.  he never comments on my eating. NEVER.
so after about 7 purges today my throat is dry and crackly and i have a headache.
Good thing im going on a new "diet" tomorrow.
no more over 400 calories and an hour of intense exercising a day. (nothing new but still)
I'm pretty sure i'll be staying away from food for at least 24 hours tho.
Thats how fucked up my day was.
WOO! so heres to another new start. i can do this.
35 pounds left to shed before my ultimate goal weight :)
but i think i want to lower it again...maybe 100 or 95...or maybe even 85 who knows.
So one last thought!
By my 16th birthday (September 28th)
i wanna be at my goal weight.
think i can do it?
i hope soo<3
56 days to go.
35 pounds to lose.
Ana please give me strength♥
<3Saydeee

So far..not good.

So i was home alone today so i decided to go to the town park and meet my Ex boyfriend just to hangout. Oh giddy god. -_-
BAD CHOICE.
bad bad bad bad bad.
Hanging out turned into making out among other things...he thinks we're getting back together.
It all started with us watching the clouds laughing about what the other one saw.
then he leaned over and kissed me. and i did what any self respecting girl would do...i kissed back.
Now thinking about it..it was stupid. i was STUPID.
See the reason we broke up was that he'd always flirt with everyone.
absolutely everyone.
and it made me feel like shit.
and that he said things like "oh your the biggest girl i've ever dated." how rude.
those and the rest of his imperfections split us up after 9 months of his complete bullshit.
but now that he thinks there is a chance for us im screwed.
My closest friend told me that he was one of the factors that played into the reasons why i had turned to bulimia for comfort.
and i believe her.
I'm just gonna have to get up the courage to tell him no.
i hope i can do it.

On another note my fast is not going well...i was doing absolutely amazing until my parents forced me to eat dinner. which i purged but thats cheating isnt it? i think so. so i will avoid food the rest of tonight and start my fast fresh tomorrow. I will complete this! even if it kills me.(i couldnt be so lucky)
I will be Skinny.
I will be Beautiful.
Just give me time.
Fast starting in: 1 hour and 34 minutes.
120 hours to go♥
<3Saydeee
 

I cant take this anymore.

Ugh. the other day was AWFUL!
My little brother always finds a way to get under my skin.
First the day started out with the nickname chub-a-lub which he called me over 1,000 times yesterday.
Then he started singing in my face and picking on me about how i suck at driving. -_-
Then my moms genius boyfriend picks  the bumpiest road to drive on because i was going to throw up and had a headache.
Assholes.
So i started crying in the car.
No one noticed.
But still the ganging up on me continued.
Then we were home and i was in the bathroom my brother kicks the door open and runs.
so after i was done screaming i went in my room and layed on the bed....he kicked my door open.
I started to have a nervous breakdown.
then again without knocking the door to my room bursts open....my mom...great.
She asked me what i was being a baby about now..thanks mom love yew too.
After i told her she blew up about how every little comment made me cry and that i needed to grow up because if i ever wanted anyone to love me they wouldnt. and if they did they were retarded to put up with my shit.
That made EVERYTHING worse.
So i told her i didnt want to be at her house and i called my dad to pick me up.
she found out and told me that maybe i wouldnt be so cranky if i just ate something. ugh. parents.
So....45 minutes later dadddy is there and we're driving away.
Daddy saved the day this time but if he found out whats really going on he probably wouldnt be so kind.
ugh. then i almost died on my rollerblades. could only do a mile. that ruined my day.
so I finally quit my fast at 84 hours...
New one starting today.
120 hours or bust. 
This month I'm gonna lose at least 15 pounds...hopefully 31 though.
A Pound a day.
here i come.
<3 Saydeee
P.S. Ana, Mia i wanna punch you in the face right now. (:
16 hours 22 minutes down.
103 hours 38 minutes to go♥