So I went for a walk tonight with my friend thats a guy.
we seriously walked 10 miles or more. and everything was fine. but it was 1 in the morning so whenever cars came we jumped in the ditch and it was fun. Everything was going fine until the walk was over and we went to the town park. It was 3:30 now and he wanted me to have sex with him. we argued over it for over an hour. i almost gave in. but i couldnt. i really didnt want to. i really like him. but hes a whore to put it plain and simple. I just felt so pressured to do it tho. it made me feel like crap. Even when he kissed me it didnt feel right. lately i've been so cold to peoples touch. it just doesnt seem natural anymore. i'm so cold.. i hate it. i used to love people and being touched. but now...its just so wrong.
But it might just be because all im wanted for is sex...
I've only had sex twice. but every guy i talk to only wants sex. they have no idea how unappealing it is to me after being used and forced into doing things. I hate it. i hate boys. i joke about being a lesbian all the time because im so afraid of being used by guys again.
Kisses dont feel like kisses anymore.
I'm even numb when it comes to hugs.
I WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING AGAIN.
Even right now im texting a boy who only wants one thing. i need to cut everyone out of my life and start fresh again. i wanna be around people who actually care about me and my wellbeing. i wanna be by people who dont verbally abuse me. i wanna be by people who understand!
but i live in a small town so there is no one who understands.
i think im the only one with Bulimia.
and i hate being alone.
Maybe i should get help...
but i'm not ready yet.
<3Saydeee
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