New yearrs! (this shit is gettin seriouss!!)

Soo.
By September 28th 2012.
I will Weigh
100 pounds or less.
i understand im giving myself alot of time.
but time is keyy.
but by Valentines day i will lose at least 10 to 15 pounds.
no exceptions.
and if i fail.
ohhh shit will hit the fan.
:) haha i cant wait to start again tomorrow.
Fasting for however long i can get away with it ;)
hopefull at least 48 hours. but this fasst starts when i go to bedd :) which will probably be 3 or 4.
wish me luck.
heaven knows im gonna need it.

just blah.

ruined 123 hours purge free because i saw some pictures and just thought wow that could of been me. and just blah.

Maybe i shouldve known..

Maybe i should've know that you only wanted to use me for sex. and that you really couldnt give two shits about me. maybe i should just give up on you. but i cant. well i already have havent i? i dont answer your texts or calls when you want me to anymore and i definately dont touch those keys that lead to your name. besides ive found someone new...someone better.. someone whos just gonna use me like you do. but unlike you he talks to me. he hugs me. he doesnt think im stupid or clueless.  he likes to tease me like you do tho. he likes to push my buttons. but i think i do love him. which is pretty stupid since i dont know him as well as you....pretty stupid because i probably wont get over you. or the fun we had. never. but those are what memories are for right? youre just a memory. a sweet sad memory. one that i replay over and over again until i fall asleep at night. WAIT.you re the one who did me wrong. why am i even typing i dont even know what to say anymore. i cant really talk to any of my friends anymore. they hate me. or my family. they hate me worse. but i guess i can talk to you. stranger behind the screen. you dont know my name or my story. well maybe my name amd a little bit of my story. but you might not know that i cry everytime i think about September 30th or when i look in the mirror. you may not know that i put all my hope into the food i purge out in hopes of being skinny. and you certainly havent been by my side forever. the only important thing is that youre reading. maybe thinking when is this bitch gonna shut up but youre still reading which is the only thing giving me hope lately. we've never met and we probably never will. but i just wanna say thank you for reading my stupid thoughts that who knows mia could just be making up. but i doubt it. because the pain i feel is real. the headaches the stomachaches the depression and the dizziness. The fainting and blood. i hope theyre dreams. i hope none of this is real. i hope i wake up 7th grade little short skinny tom boy. loved everyone didnt care what others thought. didnt have a care in the world. innocent and pure and still waiting for that first kiss. then i could go back and not make any of the mistakes i did. i wouldnt have gotten fat i wouldnt have lost my virginity i wouldnt have gotten raped i wouldnt have BED or Bulimia. maybe i still wouldve had anorexia but i would tell if i knew then what i know now. i wish i could go back so badd. i would be beautiful i wouldve never broke up with him and i wouldve never broken up a great friendship that ill never get back. id be normal. or normal for the most part. i wouldnt be fat or stupid or depressed. i wish we could just all go back and fix the mistakes we have made but then a friend told me this is what god wants you to overcome. and if he doesnt want you to overcome it you wont. but even if he doesnt and you dont give up you will overcome it to become the person you want to be. and this inspired me. but then i started thinking. i dont want to recover i dont want to try anymore. ill just be fat and bulimic forever. but for the past few days ive been good. 44 hours without purging. is this a turning point? i do hope so. i start the abc again tomorrow. 500 cals. hope they dont make me eat dinner. its easier when theyre not home. i dont want to eat anymore. i just want to stop purging and i know this is the only way besides asking for help that ill be able to stop but i cant ask for help. no no no. i cant. everyone will think im disgusting but if i stop eating theyll think im lovely. and everyone will think im fragile and want to help me. so i have to go back to anorexia if i ever want to have the hopes of recovering. ever. so i guess thats it. pointless rant done. have a very merry christmas! stay safe and strongg.

Found my new motivation

My stepdad nicknamed me lardass. thats more motivation than i need.
and my mom...ohhh my mom
Dont worry hunny everyone gains weight this time of year...
i havent gained weight. im still trying to get back down to my summer low.
ugh. whatever mom.
but i also found a song.
Skin and bones<3
i forgot the artist but its pretty awesome..<3
ohhh and more motivation is this....because im obessed with hello kitty and that bathing suit WILL  be mine someday and look FUCKING SEXY on me.

all i have to do is look up hello kitty on google and i dont wanna eat because everyone is skinny. haha.
here i'll show you:

There are more but my mom is pushing me to get off the computer.

So the past few days have been good

Sooo thanksgiving was a success. 600.
and every day since then has been pretty low too.
yesterday was 290 and today so far has been 240 :) and ive got lots more exercise to do so its gonna be a good day. :)

So the past few days have been good

Sooo thanksgiving was a success. 600.
and every day since then has been pretty low too.
yesterday was 290 and today so far has been 240 :) and ive got lots more exercise to do so its gonna be a good day. :)

THANKSGIVING.

So theres this statisics thing that my friend told me about and apparently on thanksgiving the average american eats 5000 calories! HOLY FUCK. that wont be me :)

Fasting.

So i was doing pretty well and im back down to 148. yay! haha i could do better...i broke my fast :( like an hour ago but i purged and i exercised everything off so im gonna still say im fasting. a little bump in the road never hurt anyone.  but anyways this is the only diet lately thats been working! bye bye 150s im going back to the 40s and hopefully the 20s.. :)

Christmas wishes

So my aunt and uncle before they moved found it necessary to call me anorexic. which i thought was a little offending because you dont just go up to people and say heyy! you have anorexia and tell my mom to make me eat 3 pancakes. news flash assholes im bulimic. i havent been anorexic since the 8th grade. jeez. so since they gave me an anorexic talk before they left im going to bring them a little christmas present. I have 43 days to lose 25 to 30 pounds because im going to their house for christmas. so i want to be smaller and binge right infront of them so they can see just how wrong they were. no more playing around. none. im liquid fasting until i leave my moms then im just regular fasting to kick start the weight loss. another motivator is that my friend promised that whenever i want to eat she'll bring up the fact that im not good enough to eat...that i got treated like dirt for a reason. that i got raped for a reason. so theres a little christmas present to me. no more food. semi smaller body and the best part of all a scared aunt. but yesterday my mom made me eat a mcdonalds mcchicken. i felt so sick afterwards. bleckk. i cant wait to get out of this house. but this isnt ed related but i got into national honor society :D yayyyy! :) haha i was so happy when i found out. but now back to the depressing stuff. the other night i got so frustrated with my body i tried to cut off my stomach...i have cuts all over my stomach. they're sick to look at. ick. but i wanna talk more about my happy weight loss plan.
November 13-16th:fast
November 17-30th:300
December 1-3rd:fast
December 4-10th:300
December 11th:fast
December 12-17th:300
December 18-21th:fast
December 22-23rd:300
December 24th: binge infront of aunt :) yayyyy!
this is really evil but oh well. i WILL do this.

Its been a while.

So. not sure what to make out of anything lately. i basically figured out im losing 20 pounds before christmas to freak the shit out of my aunt. that is all. hahaha :D♥

i didnt know how fucked up i was.

I'm to the point where i think i need antidepressants...but im afriad to ask my parents because they think im a bouncing bundle of joy when i only want to cry lately. i HATE my friends. its not even just they annoy me anymore. its hate. i dont wanna talk to any of my guy friends either. i dont want to see my crush either which is strange for me. i think im just giving up on everyone like how they gave up on me.
just last night my dad was talking about how i was a hog and how they spend so much on groceries every week and how its all my fault. theres six of us. it cant possibly be ALL my fault. but now im being my stupid stubborn self again and liquid fasting to prove that without me eating they'll still pay alot on groceries. but they wont notice. i think my dad did earlier tho when i was making coffee and my friend was eating everything in sight. and then i only had coffee. i think he was surprised. but anyways. i got offered two cookies and a cupcake today and i turned them down. im so proud of myself. :D but then i almost had a nervous breakdown during studyhall because i miss my mom and things dont seem to be going quite great over here....new cuts. and more alcohol. yay? ugh. i even cut a smiley face into my leg. what the heckk? but anyways i got my period on sunday. yay! now to work on losing it again....

Wow i am something. :)

Okay so like usual my diet did not hold through.

sooo im starting tomorrow :) 

Here she goes again...

Alright so heres my agenda.

October 23-January 31 ABC Diet (2 rounds)

November GW: 135

November 16 Volleyball starts

December 1st GW 130

December 25 Christmas GW 110-120

January 1st GW 110

January 31st GW 95-100

Oct. 23: 500cals

Oct. 24: 500cals

Oct. 25: 300cals

Oct. 26: 400cals

Oct. 27: 100cals

Oct. 28: 200cals

Oct. 29: 300cals

Oct. 30: 400cals

Oct. 31: 500cals

Nov. 1: Fast

Nov. 2: 150cals

Nov. 3: 200cals

Nov. 4: 400cals

Nov. 5: 350cals

Nov. 6: 250cals

Nov. 7: 200cals

Nov. 8: Fast

Nov. 9: 200cals

Nov. 10: 100cals

Nov. 11: Fast

Nov. 12: 300cals

Nov. 13: 250cals

Nov. 14: 200cals

Nov. 15: 150cals

Nov. 16: 100cals

Nov. 17: 50cals

Nov. 18: 100cals

Nov. 19: 200cals

Nov. 20: 200cals

Nov. 21: 300cals

Nov. 22: 800cals

Nov. 23: Fast

Nov. 24: 250cals

Nov. 25: 350cals

Nov. 26: 450cals

Nov. 27: Fast

Nov. 28: 500cals

Nov. 29: 450cals

Now 30: 400cals

Dec. 1: 350cals

Dec. 2: 300cals

Dec. 3: 250cals

Dec. 4: 200cals

Dec. 5: 200cals

Dec. 6: 250cals

Dec. 7: 200cals

Dec. 8: 300cals

Dec. 9: 200cals

Dec. 10: 150cals

Dec. 11: Fast

REPEAT.

Dec. 12th - Jan. 31st

I need a hero...

So this is pretty much how i feel about my Mia right now.

Where have all the good men gone

And where are the gods?
Where's the streetwise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?
Isn't there a white knight
Upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and turn
And dream of what I need
I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night
He's gotta be strong, he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light
He's gotta be sure, he's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life, larger than life
Somewhere after midnight
In my wildest fantasies
Somewhere just beyond my reach
There's someone reaching back for me
Racing on the thunder
And rising with the heat
Isn't there a Superman
To sweep me off my feet?
I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night
He's gotta be strong, he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light
He's gotta be sure, he's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life
I pray the mountains meet the heavens above
Out where the lightning splits the sea
I can swear that there's someone somewhere
Watching me
Through the wind and then the chill and the rain
And the storm and the raging flood
Oh, his approaches like a fire in my blood
I'll meet a hero
And then we'll dance till the morning light
Dreaming, he will lead me
Held tight, tonight's the night
I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night
He's gotta be strong, he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light
He's gotta be sure, he's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life, larger than life
Larger than life
Larger than life
Oh baby, baby, baby, you know, ooh
Oh

I love this song. and it describes exactly how i feel right now.

i guess im just in another one of those moods..

I'm in a dark place again...

i thought seriously of skinning myself alive earlier.

but i decided not to.

ABC tomorrow. yay?

im not sure anymore.

if i cant have happiness i might as well not eat.

but we all know i always fuck that up.

stupid stupid me.

Hopefully i get to see my mom tomorrow...i miss her

so much.</3

urg. everything is just a mess.

please someone help me.

I need a hero...

So Today sucked....but what else is new?

Sooo today.

Im not even sure how to put this.

but ive been having problems with the biggest bitch at my school.

Shes been telling people about my bulimia and calling me out on it during class. but other than that shes just being a super bitch to me.

Today first period studyhall i politely asked her to be quiet and you know what i got back?!

"How about you stop being a psycho you stupid bitch"

RUDEEE. and uncalled for.

then my studyhall teacher yelled at her and thus the war had started for today.

She started telling my friends that she was so sick of me and my attitude. according to her i only care about myself and i think im better than everyone else...O.O

yeah thats me alright.

little(BIG) me with social anxiety thinks that im better than everybody...

i just wanna deck her.

so i told my schools disiplinary about the whole situation and he was totally nice about it.

but then when i got back into class she was running her fat mouth again.

one of my friends was talking about how she was hungry so she was going to eat so this bitch looks at me and uses her loud voice to say "you better eat or you're going to have malnutrition and faint" directing that comment at me because i blacked out in school once...

ugh. but finally the disiplinary caught up to her and set her straight.

THANK GOD.

but she was still being a bitch at my soccer game...but id rather not talk about that.

but anyways i needed to rant. :P

ohh and to make today worse i binged on like EVERYTHING in my house.

blahhhhh!

<3 Saydee.

OHHH GOSHH!

THINK THIN THOUGHTS!

THINK THIN THOUGHTS!

♥♥♥

Stress stress stress...

So the last few days have been rather stressful :(

A girl from my school who knows about my bulimia was telling people about it...and she even told the principal.

what the fuck.

So i attempted to bitch her out...did a shitty job and ended up in the bathroom stall crying.

ugh. to top that off some girls on my soccer team said that i was causing the drama...fuckkkmylifee!

Today...oh gosh my crush told me he hated me...i dont know whether he was joking or not..but probably not.  so that threw me off.

I'm just at the point where i wanna cut myself up and show them the pain i feel on the inside on the outside

maybe they would learn to keep their fucking mouths shut if i just up and disappeared from this world...or was sent to the hospital...which i doubt because bitches always talk shit..

So since no one likes me....I've decided to do WHATEVER it takes to lose at least 70 pounds...which would put me close to 70... nobody likes the fat me...maybe they'll like skeleton me....

FAST STARTING NOW: 11:00PM OCTOBER 12TH 2011

Wish me luck ladies...this might kill me. 

Never drinking with "friends" again...

So tonight i went out tonight to a stateland party with a bunch of my friends and got really smashed.

And everything was going okay until my "friend" got there.

He took me into the woods and had his way with me.

Im not sure if i should call it rape...because i didnt say no.. but i didnt say yes to him either.

I woke up with no clothes on and him telling me to put my clothes on because people were looking for me..

he left.

i cried for probably 2 hours and still feel like shit.

I feel like i was raped...but i dont wanna say that or tell any of my friends because he was my friend and i dont wanna put anyone in jail...

I wish i never went.

So after i got out of the woods i found my sister and started crying because she had been looking for me for a half hour thinking i left the party with a bunch of guys.

and i cried more.

then i thought she hated me so i found my friend lindsey and steph and they hugged me and told me she didnt hate me she was just worried. then maranda(my sister) hugged me and told me how stupid i was.

i told everyone i feel asleep in the woods...

im to ashamed to tell anyone...

but i took my crush aside

(he promised me he wouldnt let me do anything with this guy)

and i told him that i thought something happened but i only remembered being dragged out of the woods.

and i started bawling again.

So he hugged me and told me everything was gonna be alright...but then marandas boyfriend got pissed off at someone so we had to leave...im never going to one of those parties ever again!

ugh. 

im just so upset... 

i dont feel like im ever gonna be able to have another stable relationship or anything else ever again...this shit always happens to me..

oh you know what the greatest thing was?!

THE FUCKER WHO TOOK ME INTO THE WOODS HAD THE FUCKING NERVE TO CALL ME AND ASK IF I HAD FUN!!! 

fuck my life.

i never wanna eat again

watch me wither away. 

So today was a flukee.

What came out of today:

breaking my fast after only 17 hours.

binging and purging and now binging again.

When i wake up later today im starting my latest diet. yes diet

i hate the word but it is of great importance that i lose some weight before halloween so im not an obese barbie...lately ive been feeling 100times fatter than usual. which means its time to kick it into high gear!!

On the brightside its a three day weekend! but on the not so brightside that means theres more of a chance of eating..great. but at least on tuesday when i go back to school im going to be a busy body again. Between PTSA, Soccer, School, Homework and possibly mentoring im going to have no time whatsoever in my schedule to binge! :) but watch...theres always time for a binge. :P  but hopefully not.

I have absolutely no plans for this weekend...because my bitch sister wont let me go to a stateland party with her because i get to drunk so she wont let me ride with her. hmmp.! ill just have dad drive me he knows what goes on up there and he doesnt care as long as its not everynight. he even told me that. but whatever she has to be a bitch about it i know i get rowdy but this time i wasnt even gonna drink. for real. 1 because i got super sick on wednesday night when i drank and am scared to drink again after that and 2 because the guy i like is gonna be there and if i try to sleep with someone while im drunk again he'll think im a whore. and i definately dont want that! ahh! highschool drama.

Alright so i learned a valuable lesson today....do not give your number out to guys who will stalk you.

ugh i got into a huge arguement with this guy i dont even know about how i never talk to him. and i told him to lose my number so now he wont stop texting me. ughhh!!! and when i told him to stop he told me to stop being a bitch and get over it. and then he asked me what was wrong with my head?!

urgg!!  excuse me but you dont know me so why are you texting me? ugh. i wish this stuff would stop happening to me. i need to be smarter if i ever give my number out again. ugh stupidmyyearbook. dont use it. fucking stalkers. this is the 3rd guy to do it.

NO MORE.

im definately getting my number changed.

ohhh! and i need help with ideas for my barbie halloween costume!!!♥

any ideas would be appreciated!

:)

Starting tomorrow:

->Under 500cals.

->Fruits and Veggies only

->low cal drinks only

Woo! here we go...wish me luck...it might only last 24 hours..

By March I wanna look like this:

But this still wont be skinny enough..

Damn psychology...i'd rather just fail.

Soooo..i needed a little break from my psychology essay that i probably shouldve wrote 2 weeks ago. so not its due in 12 hours and im still working on the intro and ive fallen asleep lotsa times. ugh this stuff is so boring. i thought it would be fun! especially since i picked an article on bulimia...i think clicking on the first article without reading it was the worst mistake ive ever made...sigh.

Its on 79 different studies of recovery or something which makes me feel like complete shit because ive just been sitting around binging and purging for a week....i think its time to start another liquid fast....like right now...its only 12:13 and i havent eaten anything lately anyways soo woo! liquid fast. but i really gotta do that damn essay...nahhh.

So at soccer practice i felt shittier than ever and guess what happened my dear friends....i almost blacked out again and my coach noticed and made me sit out for a little while. i felt soooo stupid. so i went home and binged and purged and binged again but then i remembered that i had to do this stupid essay so theres still food sitting in me. yuckkkk!!

Not much else going on. soo time to get back to work...

<3Saydeee

Pretty f*ckin awesome day♥

So right now i dont honestly care about food.

i took a pregnancy test yesterday and guess whos NOT preggo!

ME!

my god after that whole scare im never having sex again.

ooohhh! and i actually did my homework! that was a plus.

But i think the best part of my day was getting back in touch with my elementary bestfriend!♥

i missed her.

 we're still in every class together but it was just awkward cause its been so long.

So everything is good♥

butt thats all i really gotta sayy :)

Night♥

Weekend binge. :[

Now how can i say this?

Last night i drank some lovely vodka...and i plan to do it again tonight.

i feel so at ease with it.

(great im gonna be an alcoholic)

So this weekend has been something...nonstop binging with my friend.

i felt horrible...she doesnt know it but i purged a little bit. even tho she was on my ass all weekend

(yes she followed me into bathrooms.)

But anyways as a result of this weekend im probably 600 pounds and i lost my friend Jeremy...well he was an ass anyways i dyed my hair, and i have finally gotten over the whole i think i lost my period from stress thing.

Though i still havent gotten my period i honestly think i might be prego so my friends sister in law is bringing me a pregnancy test tomorrow after my soccer practice. (Thank god she is so cool!) Its gonna be a little awkward but she told me shes been there so its all good :)

I'm gonna go to the doctors sometime this week too...because my blood pressure spiking and plummeting when it wants scares the bahhhjesus outta me. so hopefully they'll be able to help me with that. i really hope i can turn my life around..

it would be nice. i wanna lose weight the healthy way again...but thats probably until i step on the scale later. ohh jeez. but Jeremy doesnt wanna talk to me anymore because i wouldnt send him a "picture" so whatever his loss i guess. but tomorrow is my start of cleaning up my binges. im gonna start with 1000(maybe) or less. then more down to 800 or less. then 500 then 300. and stay at 300 for a while.

it sounds like a good plan to me. but it probably wont fall through.

BUT I CAN TRY :)

alrighty next on my list is to go clean my room.

then homework...

then maybe i'll do a couple shots of vodka.

i just wanna forget everything again.

Wow. I didnt think about that.

So my blog's name is confessions of a 15 year old no one.

it doesnt work anymore :(

because im 16. bahaha.

But im not gonna change it because i still feel 15 :)

Anywaysss.. my schools nurse called my house...shit. busted.

I passed out a while ago. and then on the 27th my blood pressure skyrocketed in class and i went into a panic attack.

So she called my house.

And my dad and sister were talking about it while i was in the room then my dad pulls "she probably doesnt eat" out of his ass.

he had just watched me devour a bowl of cereal...

wow. haha so maybe he'll be watching more carefully?

i doubt it.  but i dont care as long as i dont get in troublee or yelled at or something then im good.

but i feel like im gonna go into cardiac arrest...so hopefully thats just my brain talking not my body.

Oh and my crush was talking to my sister about how i randomly pass out in halls.

thanks boyy.  i feel special.

Breaking point.

IM AT MY BREAKING POINT.

you know...the one where you just dont give a fuck anymore. nothing matters.

i got 160 dollars today for my birthday.

im planning on buying alcohol with it. at least when im drunk i dont remember anything else.

maybe it'll screw with me even more than it already has.

Just today was awful. im at the point where i will go to a hospital and beg them to admit me.

but they wont...because im not sick enough. Who knows. maybe im just faking this whole entire thing...which could be it. maybe im just in dream land and when i wake up ill be 190 again instead of 140.

 Im definately a failure at my ED or thats what i feel like.

IM NOT SKINNY ENOUGH. 

AND I NEVER WILL BE. 

everything i eat i can feel just coming right back up...so why even eat anymore im just done.

IM DONE...

WITH EATING

WITH PURGING

WITH JUST EVERYTHING.

I CANT DO IT ANYMORE.

I'll find comfort in the hunger. and ill find friendship in the loneliness.

Its not like ive every felt accompanied by anyone anyways.

Please someone just help me.

I dont wanna do this anymore.

I wanna get better.

I dont wanna eat.

 I want my parents to help.

NO I DONTT!

YES. YES. I DO.

Someone just please send me to a hospital.

i dont wanna be HERE anymore.

Happy Birthday to me..?

So its my birthday and my day really sucked.

Maybe not to an outsiders point of view but i just feel more invisible than normal.

Sure people said happy birthday to me but i dont know i just feel like a mess. i wanna eat but i really cant.  actually i just wanna go cut. but i wont do that because ive been 31 days free. But anyways first i went to get my permit. the picture sucked and i missed 3 questions on it i felt so stupid because my friends always brag about getting 100s. then my mom made me drive home from there and i almost killed us all :( i feel so stupid. then when i get to school its all happy birthdays but i just feel like complete shit. then practice it felt like everyone was trying to get at me. i got knocked down alot. and on top of it all i have so much homework to do >:[ but the icing on the cake was my best friend didnt even tell me happy birthday..she probably didnt know but it threw me off so bad i felt hated by everyone. and now im just crying while writing this. damn i must look stupid.

Im stuck in the house all night too because my dad told me i couldnt have a party and none of my friends wanted to hangout with me. so here i am alone on my birthday. my family doesnt even wanna be near me.  but i guess im not alone. i have mia.

i guess shes all ive got lately.

Theres no hope anymore.

I just wanna go to the hospital.

and have my parents find out.

Maybe then they would wanna spend time with me.

but probably not...

Wheel Day Weekend.

Well. i didnt make it all weekend fasting. but thats okay. im restarting the abc. just cause i need a clean slate.

Okay. Im not even sure what happened this weekend. I spent it with my friends but woah does it seem confusing. I know nobody wants to read this but oh well i wanna type it♥ hehee.

So on saturday i spent the day up at the fair grounds with some of my close friends and my crushh (:

and most of the time was fun but i felt like my crush and our friend didnt even wanna hang out with me. but then they were so nice to me when i told them how i felt. they were like

"Sayde we wouldnt talk to you if we didnt want to hang out with you!" 

And so i felt a little better and we spent the rest of the night in the pits and suchh. 

but then i got ditched. by everyone and was alone for probably 15 minutes :( it doesnt seem like long but when there are pedobears all over it feels like forever. So i texted my crush with "I'm lonely :(" and he came and found me so i wouldnt have to be alone. but i understand why no one wanted to hang out with me. i was probably being a brat since it was my birthday weekend...but i thought i was being nice..

Anywaysss. i HATE HATE HATE thunder and lightening and fireworks remind me of them so when the fireworks were going on my crush held his hands over my ears♥ it made me feel special. it had actually turned into a good night. but then when i met up with the rest of my friends someone threw those exploding things at me and they hit me so i stormed off pissed because i felt like my night had been a shitty one.

I ended up sitting alone at a bench at the other side of the fairgrounds.

The boys tried texting me and calling me but i wouldnt answer. then they finally found me and calmed me down and my friends called me. so i hid in the side of a music stage with the boys and we talked for 5 minutes before the boys had to go. so my crush hugged me :) and i walked them to the gate and to the car. then my friends called me asking where the hell i went and telling me to get back to them. so i did. then we walked to my house and i got drunk and i cant really remember anything else about saturday.

Sunday.

We woke up. we went back up to the fairgrounds and hungout with my friend i like to call a bodyguard. It was the three of us. then we found the two boys and then people just started to flock with us. which was cool with me because i HATE being alone. Then we all split up for a while and i got a picture with a hot country singer and hung out with some of my girly friends. yadaaa yadaaa. Later on we met up with our friends Wade and Jeremy and i got to get pictures on Jeremys tractor and we spent the rest of the night with them which was funn~ :) Jeremy kept throwing me in the mud and after he left he was texting me about how cute i am and stuff like that...but hes a player. but he called me tonight and we talked for 2 hours and then texted for another half hour after thatt. I dont even know if i like him. but woahhh! he has the same exact birthday as me! same year too!! it freaked me out! haha :D

But now im confused cause my crush was texting me earlier teasing me by calling me babe. urgg! i wish he wouldnt tease me. he doesnt know how hard this is for me. i just got him back as a friend ( we went out for over 2 years) and now im falling for him again. i know im only 15 but damn. this feeling suckksss!  and other guys keep blowing up my phone and i just want to talk to him. but they wont understand thatt.

Sooo in other news i still havent gotten my period and im f*ckin scared. cause i could be prego. or it could be emotional stress or illness cause ive been sick but im so damn scared i just want my period back that would be the best birthday present ever!!! 

Okay. enough of that.
Day one of the ABC:500

Wooo! wish me luckk!!
Jeremy's Tractor :D

When will i have a nice day?!

So im not even sure what to say right now besides i wanna fast till i die.

NO JOKE.

So i binged. bad.

Popcorn

Goldfish crackers

ice cream

Turkey Sandwich

Pizza

Bread sticks.

Coffee

Milk

Granola bars

I wanna kill myself. i purged but holy shit im gonna be fat come morning. ugh.

Fasting all weekend. which is gonna be hard because its wheel day weekend here which means food everywhere, hopefully with the help of my friends ill be able to avoid it all weekend long. which i know i'll be able to. I HATE eating infront of people. especially one of the guys im gonna be hanging out with tomorrow. so tomorrow and sunday should be easy...i hope. wish me luck!♥

1 hr down

The rest of my pitiful life to go.

Not sure if i should be happy or what.

Abc: today i was supposed to eat 400 and i only had 60. i would think id be happy but im just kinda emotionless about it. i feel like i shouldnt have ate at all. :/ but i guess thats just my life.

So i figured out i just wanna be bones. skin and bones. because every skinny girl is way to fat. there are seriously 80 pound people i think are fat. what the f*ck. i guess im just gonna continue on. Abc then maybe something else. hopefully i lose weight. hopefully i disappear. 

What is wrong with me?

Everything seems to be falling apart.

I've given up on recovery even tho i want to stop so bad.

i have no friends or thats what it feels like..

I binged and im supposed to on the abc.

Im just a screw up.

 im on the vurge of another nervous breakdown.

i just wish they would take me to the hospital or something and hook me up to a bunch of machines that would make me feel less selfconcious. that would make me want to eat and stop binging. that would make me stop purging. oh gosh. i wish i could be normal.

I was eating a pancake just a few minutes ago and i purged right here in front of the computer my step mom was in the other room and then i missed the garbage can. who does that?! someone out of their mind. me. urg. i actually like school cause it makes me focus on other things besides food. i wish we had school everyday if thats the case because i always screw myself over when i come home from school. sigh. i think i just need to fast but i have a soccer game tomorrow. fuck. looks like i will be eating. great. in hopes for recovery i guess. or just in hopes to be skinny. either way is fine by me. ugh

hzgjkfha;gjal;sfd a;ldfkj akldfjadlkfja

i guess i have nothing else to sayy

ohh. i look like a lard ass in my soccer pictures -_-

See? -_-

Recovery attempt day one.

So. i purged. well not really but i have a bad feeling that i will like after this post :( but i went over 28 hours purge free. which means i can definately go two weeks easily...well no its gonna be hard. super fucking hard. but i want this. i need this and i will have it.

Hopes for recovery...?

So i blacked out in school on monday and a whole bunch of attention was brought to me. ohh gosh it was so embarrassing. But i realized that a whole bunch of people actually cared about me. i got a bunch of people asking if i was okay several times and a bunch of hugs and people kept texting me to check up on me. It touched my heart to see that people actually do care about me. Even when i got to school today abunch of people who just heard about it we're telling me to take it easy and asking if i was okay. Even my history teacher was kinda nice to me XD i asked him to holepunch something for me cause i was being a complete lazy ass. and he did. but then he told me it was cause he didnt want me blacking out in the middle of his class. muahahah!

But because of all of this and to see the people who actually cared....i want to attemp recovery. because quite frankly im not only just hurting myself anymore. i still wanna restrict but purging is completely out of the question now.  I'm going to try my very hardest! and i believe with the support of the people who care about me i can do it! :)

Wish me luck!

Hours without purge: 5♥

Soon to be days...and hopefully weeks that turn into years♥

Woo. Day 4.

So i should probably plan when i eat better. i didnt eat before my soccer game today and i almost passed out in the locker room. good thing my friend was there to help me off the floor. it was so bad. i fell on the way walking home from school too. note to self: Emergency granola bar in purse at all times. cause i almost passed out again in chemistry. lotsa water too! well...i already drink enough of that. but anyways afterschool today i got to hangout with a bunch of my guy friends ( i cant stand any of my friends that are girls at the moment) and it was nice to be around people who didnt care what i looked like or created drama for stupid reasons. i love boys :D but anyways i learned so much i didnt know about them and i really hope we all continue hanging out because i felt normal for a little while. and i LOVE that feeling. when i can just leave ana and mia behind for a couple hours it just makes my life 100 times better. hehe. soccer game tomorrow. 4 days under 500 cals :D yay!  ( aiming for at least 2 weeks....but 2 months would be great :D)

A Blank Mind and An Empty Stomach.

So. i had a terrible day. yeah. terrible. first thing in the a.m. i feel so fricken huge cause my friends are all smaller than me. -_- Boo! Then my day gets cleared up by my little pre-K students i work study with at school :) i love them♥♥♥ But then i almost passed out in Chemistry and keep losing focus. Laterrrr i had practice which i almost passed out at. and during practice one of my friends told me she was soooo tiny and fragil and that i was just a big lard. wow thanks friend. im not even sure what i feel right now. pissed? Sad? Confused? nope. just blank. oh well hoping for another good day tomorrow calorie wise. 3 days under 500 so far! yay!. maybe im not such a failure. but anyways i have homework. night.

Oh shit.

So blood in my vomit...again. im so fucking smart.

and yet i keep purging. I have to be the stupidest person ever.

but i just cant stop myself. here i am now with chocolate milk and tea because i thought theyd help my throat.

holy cow no. it hurts even worse now...i think i tore my esphagous.

which means liquid fast until it doesnt hurt as much.

goody. i cant wait till school so i dont eat.

i'll finally be able to give my throat a rest.

woo!

Alright nighty nighty. i have practice in the am.

i hope i dont die.

bahaha.

Failure.

WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY?!?!

Why am i never good enough?

Why are you always better than me?

Why can just one thing make a perfect day terrible?

I think i had a perfect day. I went shopping and didnt cry and i went to practice and didnt die and i went to a fire and had alot of fun with my friends.I HAD A COMPLETE DAY PURGE FREE!

But why is it that you text me and ruin my day.

IM SO FUCKING JEALOUS.

everyone likes you. 

you're pretty

you have an amazing personality 

but i cant stand how much i hate you for it. 

i dont even know what else to write because im so fucking depressed.

i hope i dont find my knife tonight. :'[

(This is NOT a suicide attempt FYI) 

ugh fuckit.

Blahhh.

So i almost died today in practice -_- this girl who weighs about 75 pounds more than me just slammed right into me. She took out my knee. :(  and so it hurts to walk and run. if this ruins my season i'll kill someone. And my gosh so many weird things have been happening lately. That girl who clobbered me is dating my ex and theyre putting me into the middle of it. ugh. i dont care what they do i just dont wanna be in the middle of it right now. ive got enough going on as it is. 

but anywayyy... i went almost a whole day without purging. but then the pressure got to me.

i bawled my eyes out when it happened. I'm never strong enough to beat mia. i thought for sure today was gonna be the day i finally went without purging. i was wrong.

I looked at my throat last night and its so swollen its disgusting.

IWANTTOSTOP.

but then again.

I dont.

Well hello cereal, Have you met Mia?

Soooo....worst night ever. but yet it was fucking hilarious. i swear i almost shit my pants. So everything was fine and dandy when i snuck out of the house and met my guy friend like the night before. but this time he gave me a redbull. bahahahahahaha! i fucking love those things...but i had nothing in my stomach so i was shaking the whole time i was with him. So me and my WHORE self went to his house tonight....we had sex on the fucking living room floor.

Sorry for all the F bombs i swear alot when im hyper.

I laughed the whole time. it was funny to watch him get so insecure because i have no sex drive and wanted nothing to do with it so i didnt help him. but when we were done his fucking mother comes downstairs so i have to hide behind the couch. and he pretends to be asleep on the couch. he had to throw a blanket over me to hide me. it was SOOOOO funny. then his mom tripped over my shoes and thought NOTHING of it. even my phone fell out of my shoes. but as shes going back upstairs my head hits singing elmo. FML. i swear i almost shit my pants she came into the living room looked at me then when back upstairs. i thought i was toast. finally 10 minutes after her being upstairs he takes the blanket off of me and opens up the front door and lets me bolt. i love happy endings... but this was not one of them XD i get halfway down the road to my house and he texts me "im sorry" im sure you are fucker. but at least i got my redbull♥ but anyways i feel like a super whore so i just ate a HUGE bowl of cereal thats going to meet mia in about 2 minutes. Maybe i'll feel better....i bet not. im so screwed. i said id never have sex with him again and look what happens. oops i did it again. (alright Britney Spears) whatever. i just wanted to say that all of my clothes actually came off this time. poor me. and my stupid mistakes. im not blaming this one on mia. this was the redbull all the way. Ohh i just wanted to say it was the best night because of his mom.

ILOVEHER.

Bahahahahaha!

<3Saydeee

Just do it. You know you want to.

Mia is screaming at me.

i ate today.

yes i ate REAL food.

i had a cupcake (birthday party) a hamburger and peas. 

But Mia wants me to purge.

I have no intention of listening to her today.

I've put up with her shit for way too long.

I'm not going to purge today mia.

But i can feel the food creeping back up my throat. My body wants to purge too. but my mind is screaming NO.

The real me is screaming NO.

and its been a while since ive heard the real me. 

I will not be your slave today Mia. 

Thats Final.

<3Saydeee 

I'm Complete Shit.

So I went for a walk tonight with my friend thats a guy.

we seriously walked 10 miles or more. and everything was fine. but it was 1 in the morning so whenever cars came we jumped in the ditch and it was fun. Everything was going fine until the walk was over and we went to the town park. It was 3:30 now and he wanted me to have sex with him. we argued over it for over an hour. i almost gave in. but i couldnt. i really didnt want to. i really like him. but hes a whore to put it plain and simple. I just felt so pressured to do it tho. it made me feel like crap. Even when he kissed me it didnt feel right. lately i've been so cold to peoples touch. it just doesnt seem natural anymore. i'm so cold.. i hate it. i used to love people and being touched. but now...its just so wrong.

But it might just be because all im wanted for is sex...

I've only had sex twice. but every guy i talk to only wants sex. they have no idea how unappealing it is to me after being used and forced into doing things. I hate it. i hate boys. i joke about being a lesbian all the time because im so afraid of being used by guys again.

Kisses dont feel like kisses anymore.

I'm even numb when it comes to hugs.

I WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING AGAIN. 

Even right now im texting a boy who only wants one thing. i need to cut everyone out of my life and start fresh again. i wanna be around people who actually care about me and my wellbeing. i wanna be by people who dont verbally abuse me. i wanna be by people who understand! 

but i live in a small town so there is no one who understands.

i think im the only one with Bulimia. 

and i hate being alone. 

Maybe i should get help...

but i'm not ready yet.

<3Saydeee 

Liquid Fast following ABC guidelines.

Jeez when is the dieting shit gonna end?!

I shouldnt be worrying about any of this crap. i should be living a normal 15 year old life.

but no.

I'm fucking screwed up in the head.

I never had a chance.

not even from the beginning.

Fate had a plan for me. and this was it.

So anyways.

my goreous best friend is way prettier and skinner than me.

and i HATE IT.

she doesnt see it tho :(

But tonight when she told me on the phone her shopping trip today it made me feel like shit.

I'm so huge compared to her.

i guess this is what we call jealousy.

but honestly im not really all that jealous.

i just wish i wasnt a whale.

I wish i didnt have to throw up everything i eat.

or watch calories.

I wish i could recover and start losing weight the healthy way again.

haha...yeah right. that plan is so fucked.

So again i am liquid fasting and now exercising 3 hours a day.

2 hour soccer practice and then an hour when i get home.

but i'll probably gain. or binge.

because im a fucking hopeless whale with no friends who cant control what she eats.

I cant wait till school. i wont be left alone all day to binge.

i hate eating infront of people. thats when i restrict.

I NEED SCHOOL!

I'm always alone at home. i need people. im so lonely here.

I need another Ana friend.

but a scary strict one.

I need someone to help me resist temptations.

cause lord knows i cant do it alone.

<3Saydee

aka. Failure.

Bra Shopping.

So.

i officially hate my boobs.

a hundred times more than before.

Before i lost all the weight i was a 42DD

and i THOUGHT i was a 38D

Apparently not.

The first lady who measured me told me i was a 32DD.

That size doesnt exist.

Then the next girl who measured me told me i was a 36DD.

ugh! As soon as i was told i was still a DD i cried.

i was so frustrated. i lost 50 pounds.

How in the Hell am i still a DD?!

ugh :( so shopping was terrible.

Then to make things worse when i was telling my asshole (boyfriend) about it he mocked me.

so looks like hes getting the sighlent treatment again. especially for his rude little comments. he made me cry on the phone again.

And then i watched Degrassi.

Some Katie girl on there is bulimic and it triggered me so bad.

so i ended up binging and purging again. :(

My poor throat.

Dear Throat,

I'm sorry i abuse you everyday.

i really dont mean it anymore.

it just happens.

and i hope in the future we can be friends again♥

Love,

Me

But thank god my brother is a jerk. when i was eating he immediately called me a fatass and a porker and told me to stop eating because i was fat enough.

i hate when hes right -_-

Time to get some sleep i guess.

<3Saydeee

OhMyGoshWhatARush♥

Soccer = My new obsession.

When i'm with my team i dont feel so alone.

we all struggle and work together.

When i'm on that field nothing matters anymore.

I dont have an eating disorder.

I'm not thinking about the calories or how fat i am.

Its about helping everyone finish that mile.

Its about working together.

I love it.

and it doesnt hurt that im one of the top dogs too (:

Even after practice.

i went for a mile jog.

totaling 2 1/2 miles today

then all of the other exercises we did :)

and im gonna work out again tonight.

I cant wait for practice tomorrow.♥

The only downside to the first practice was my jerk of a boyfriend had practice too and he told me how much i jiggled talking about my chest and it made me cry >:[ i've always been so self concious of my chest because my wonderful grandmother gave me her genes for big boobs.

 R.I.P Grandma Lucy♥ 

so im currently not talking to him. which is good. i need a break from all the verbal abuse.

and i will get that break! :)

muahaha. to the shower!

<3Sayde 

Sunshineee♥

Sooo....

Soccer does start tomorrow.

Our coach pulled so many strings for us♥

Ahh so in about 8 hours i will be running up and down that soccer field.(:

And! to make everything 100 times better my mom bought me a kayak♥

i LOVE kayaking and now i finally have my own. this is so amazingg!!

I get to pick it up after practice tomorrow with my step dad.  and maybe even go for a test drivee.

So today I'm starting the ABC diet again. but this time....theres a group.

phew! its gonna be alot easier with alot of support.

and i'm still doing the liquid fast so all my calories will be coming from coffee, tea, milk, water and diet soda. woo! 

My life seems kinda good right now (:

<3Saydeee

Soccer :(

I'm so angry. Soccer doesnt start on monday because the guy who runs our school is an asshole. so the boys get to start but we dont. ugh!!!! I was so excited i've been exercising twice as hard and this is what i get a fricken great surprise that oh! you dont start on monday sorry. ugh. i wanted this so bad. i HATE soccer but i was so excited because im in shape this year and im gonna kick some ass. but now i have to wait to kick ass. its only a week but its gonna throw me off so bad. :(

In other news i have a bad feeling about today...i think i might get sent to the hospital..i can feel something very wrong going on inside my body right now and i know that i might just wake up in a hospital. or maybe i wont and its just the hunger talking to me. but hey! if i do i can kiss soccer goodbye so im gonna chug water and pray for the best. i really need to start being safer...

<3 Saydeee

a rant?

I'm so sick of this.

this helplessness.

it seems as if the only thing i can do is binge then purge then starve and start the cycle all over again. i hate it. i wish i could just stick to having my self control so i didnt have to go purge after everything! and i'm sick of my parents blaming all the food missing on my older sister just because shes a little overweight when its really my fault.  All they do is call her fat and lazy. none of them have tried to help her. they did it to me too. so i had to relearn everything. how to eat right when i had been taught these bad eating habits by my grandma and dad. and when the house is stocked with junk food because of my step mom. i cant exactly ask her to stop because its not fair to everyone else in the house. But then everyone complains they're fat. and i look at them. they have no idea what its like to truely be fat. to hate yourself completely. to have no selfcontrol. I wish they knew i had problems. i wish they could help me. i wish they would stop picking on me for being Fat. for being ugly. for being clueless.

But they dont realize what ive become and they probably never will. its gotten bad. my teeth are gross and i have sores inside my mouth and who knows whats wrong with my throat. thats a mystery. i guess i'm just a sad lonely 15 year old who is sick of the lying. sick of the binging sick of the purging. 

But what happens if they find out?

do i get better?

do i get worse?

do i get kicked off the soccer team. will my friends hate me. will they understand? Will they turn away? what will my teachers think? will i get bullied even more?

I'm just so scared. i cant sleep anymore either. i dont want to. i'm afraid i'll go into cardiac arrest and never wake up.  i'm afraid i wont live until im 20. i have dreams about my death. i have dreams about breaking fasts. i cry myself to sleep. i dont wanna live this way. but i dont wanna get better either. a part of me likes the thrill of...

will i be here tomorrow?

I hate admiting it. i hate it. 

i guess i do love you Mia.

See you in the mirror.

New start? i think so. :)

Sooo seeing that soccer starts in 1 week

(i'm so excited!)

i'm restarting my 150 day diet.

and since my parents are really on me to exercise before the season starts

(i'm more on me than my rents)

 it seems like the perfect time to restart. So i'm gonna :) 

Day One: Fast

I'm only 3 hours in but i have a good feeling about today. i hope it all goes well. Already at 2:30 in the morning my sister wanted me to make her a grilled cheese sandwich but i refused to because that might of meant me falling into a binge. they've been so easily triggered lately that i didnt wanna risk it. So i didnt and i got out of the kitchen as fast as i could.

I'm rather excited to succeed. i KNOW i can do it. theres no telling what i can do with a little confidence and courage.

Also, i was told by a friend that we can go 70 days without food and still survive. i take that challenge. but not with just water and tea. i'm going to do a liquid fast

(mostly water, tea, hot cocoa, milk, coffee and orange juice)

and still stay under my calorie intake for my diet.

Meaning today is an all tea and water day.

But no worries i paint my room today that should take up alot of time :)

Lifeee :)

So i guess i just wanted to talk a little about my life and whats going on. Lately my friends and my sister have been trying to push me into recovery and what they dont understand is that i wont be able to recover until i WANT to recover. and quite frankly i dont wanna recover just yet or ever. but tonight i had a heart to heart with one of my friends i havent spoke to in a while. We talked about her family (which is the definition of disaster) and how she felt about it. she burst out in tears on my bed and i felt so badd :( But before all the tears i definately had a fun day with her! we dressed up in hats and crazy glasses and took my light saver thing all around town in the rain. we looked crazyy!!! but thats the fun part :) other than that not much else is going on besides soccer and painting my room.  Oh and i have a best meeting on Wednesday. but those arent to fun. haha.  as the Spanish people would say Buenos noches! ( ihopethatswhat they would say XD)  

Addicted.

I think I'm addicted to purging.  nuff said.
I have no control of my gag reflex either so i've been throwing up even the littlest of things. -_-
Love yew too Mia.
<3Saydeee

Whale. blubbery blubbery WHALE.

So i planned on fasting today to try to help my throat.
but god damn. i caved at 18 hours.
It all started with some egg whites.
then i decided to make an omelet.
140 calories for eggs
40 for mushrooms
and 60 for some cheese.
240. ugh.
so i figured hey! some grapes wont kill you.
and then i moved to a cucumber.
That was it. but i cant keep it down.
So surprise surprise im going to purge when im done with this.
Then punish myself with helping dad with haybails and doing and hour and a half of cardio. yay!
ugh. why cant i just stay away from food.
if i could i wouldnt be such a WHALE.
I mean really im a blubbery blubbery whale.
i cant stand it.
I wish mia would quit being a bitch and let me have some more ana time.
i mean is that to much to ask?
especially since my throat is fucked.
Whatever. i hope i end up in the hospital. maybe then this stupid shit will be over.
My best friend told me she was worried and it was time for me to get some help.
but i honestly dont think im to bad.  and i dont really wanna quit.
I feel bad tho cause i told her i would get help back in April. and i never did.
I'm not bad enough to need help.
Im perfectly fine.
I'm better than fine.
I'm that Blubbery Whale.
<3Saydeee

Night terrors? I couldnt be so lucky.

So i went to bed early yesterday around 11ish.
and everything was alright. but then i woke up.
4 o'clock something isnt right.
My head is pounding i stagger to the bathroom.
Pass out. then wake up 5 minutes later and start puking blood.
Great.
Not only was i puking blood my heart was beating at the speed of light and i could tell i was severely dehydrated.
All i could think about was water. water. water.
I couldnt yell for help. not that i wouldve wanted to my cuts were showing and no one needs to know that i cut just one more thing i'll get yelled at for.
But anyways at about 5am i crawled back to my bedroom (with my waterbottles) and dragged my garbage bin by my bed and kept the light on. i can remember how hard it was to breathe it was really really scary.
I thought i was going to die.
i shouldve yelled for help.
But then at 11am i woke up alive. cuddled with three empty waterbottles and my light on with the garbage bin near my bed.
i guess im lucky. but im scared. i dont wanna tell my dad. tho i probably should.
i just dont want him disapointed in me. although i dont know why i even try.
i disapoint everyone else. whats one more person?
<3Saydeee

So..

Well i'm not gonna let today bother me.
especially cause i just exercised my butt off.
1000 jump ropes
30 minutes of walking
300 crunches
and 10 minutes of a full out sprint.
I know i could do better and i'll probably end up doing more once i'm done with this.
but i just wanted to say that i'm not gonna wait until tomorrow to make things right.
The road to beautiful starts now.
yes right now.
I'm back at my dads and i can eat or not eat in peace.
which is pretty awesome seeing that my mom has been shoving food in my face all day.
No eating tonight.
I might do a fast tomorrow(20 minutes from now)
i might not.
day three of my diet is 400 or less...

I'm fasting tomorrow.
No doubt.

but really i wanna say i just cant wait until the 22nd♥
My varsity soccer team starts practice then and thats 2 hours of preseason running 5 days a week!!! :)
Plus my hour of free exercise everyday.
the pounds will shed off like nothing especially since im going to start fasting twice a week.
(yes thats part of my new diet♥)
Woo! the only problem is that alot of my fasting days are also game days.
so i'll have to rework my diet for a little energy before the gamess.
but that wont be hard.
hehe. wish me luck!
<3Saydeee

Day two...

300 cals.
thanks mom you fucked up my day.
purged. 3 times.
fast for three days after this. i cant believe this -_-

New diet that I'll actually stick to :)

I finally realized that you need to have rewards to stick to your diet. and rules too.
So this might sound crazy but i made my own diet that is 150 days long.
just so i can stay on track for the rest of the year :)
It might kill me. haha no actually its not to awful.
But my rewards are so nice.
i'm really gonna do this<3
Day one: 500cals.
so far....
3 cups of coffee 62 cals.
peas 70 cals
corn 60 cals
192 at 1:20pm.
i'll be safe until dinner<3
150 days to go :)

CW:143
Goal weight 1: 140 by August 12th.
Reward = bragging rights. you lost 50lbs (:

Terrible day.

It started terrible and ended even worse. I'm gonna be fat forever i swear.
First i had a huge bowl of cereal before i went running -_-
then we dropped my brother off at dads house
when we got back my mom made me eat a sandwich.
Shower purging...its not pretty.
then i was fine until i got really hungry. whatthefuck?
so i had a banana and a yogert.
i was still hungry.
ugh. food is seriously controlling me.
thankfully we went to walmart so i couldnt eat anything else.
but then we had tacos for dinner.... and then blueberries and cream. -_-
my mom left to go check on my grandpa and my sister was sitting in the living room so i purged in the backyard.
when my mom got back we had cantelope. which doesnt bother me as much but wow. im such a pig.
then 2 hours later...wheat thins milk and soybeans.
oh and i had two lollipops to keep me from bingeing.
What happened to my control?!

But in other news... my mom gave me a bulimia talk last night and then today she called me fat. whatthefuck? my family is so confusing. i cant wait to go home so i can skip meals and get my control back. i'll have to fast for a week to clear this up. whatever. my own fault. oh and my mom wouldnt let me exercise after my run either!!!! this is so screwed up.

Oh and i was talking to my old friend about the good ole days...and i think this isnt the first time i've had an eating disorder...i guess we forget the things we dont wanna remember. in the 7th grade i refused to eat just about anything and i was borderline anorexic...well probably just anorexic. its just weird to think about. was that really me?

Days to go: not enough.
Pounds to go: 5,000

ugh. here comes disappointment.
:(
<3Saydeee

Dear Food.

I HATE YOU!
You havent done a single good thing for me.
You have made me chubby overweight and obese since my childhood
and you still haunt me today in my teen years.
IHATEYOU!
You have gotten me called so many names i cant keep track.
You have gotten me bullied since the 5th grade.
You have ruined my life.
So i've decided no more fucking around.
No more empty promises.
No more you!
You had your last chance.
No more chances.
No matter how many times i smell you or see you or people offer you to me i will say....
NO!
I will not let you control my life anymore.
Never again.
Goodbye food.
I dont need you anymore.
Sincerely,
Me.

Mia at Breakfast.

So today i was going to be nice to my sister and make her and her friends who all partied and got drunk without me pancakes for breakfast.
(The Alcohol family definately has to many calories so i didnt go)
I did.
But in return for making their breakfast one of her friends called me bulimic and told me i was disgusting.
Now she was kidding but it didnt take long to make me go into a "binge" and have two pancakes.
Plain of coarse♥ yum!
but i felt terrible afterwards and ended up purging.
I just wanna break the purging cycle. my throat kills.
Then i talked to my sister about it and she told me it was my own problem that her friend called me bulimic because i act so strange around food. thanks sis.
But now we are headed off to my moms in an hour or two.
it'll be easy to avoid food for the rest of the day because im so disappointed in myself.
But last night i had a walking movie marathon by myself.
i was on my tredmils watching movies for a while but after 75 minutes on the tredmil i got bored and went outside and did 1000 jump ropes. then i went back in the house and did 200 calories on my ellipitical. so all together it was 1,116 calories. not bad for me at 10:30 at night :)
i was proud. hopefully i'll be able to workout just as hard at my moms tonightt.

So in other news i put my absolute favorite shorts in the world on today and they're to big! :)
i'm kinda sad tho. i REALLY liked those shorts.
but hey there will be new shorts very soon! :)
the only downfall about the very soon part is I'm scared to go school shopping.
what if i'm a large in shirts? or a 13 in pants?! that'd be terrible for me.
but last time i checked i was a 9 in pants and a medium in shirts.
But i wanna be at least a 7 before i go school shopping.  but that might not happen :(
We'll see tho. i have a few tricks up my sleeves.
Muahaha.
54 days♥
Not a clue how many pounds to go.
To scared to check.
<3Saydeee 

This is getting F**king ridiculous.

Fasting again.
Well attempting it with a friend who doesn't have an ED.
This could end up bad.
Wooo! -_-
35 pounds to go.♥
Beautiful here i come.

Just a little bit of Sunshinee♥

The title is kinda ironic cause there was absolutely no sunshine here today just rain.
So i had an absolutely awesome food day :)
105 until my sister made me eat a yogert. but hey 185 isnt bad either :)
Started getting ready for soccer season tonight....which like starts in 2 weeks and im scared.
Apparently the coach makes you work seriously hard.
oh well a little exercise never killed anyone...or did it... :)
and seeing that i wanna lose 35 more pounds before September 28th♥ this will be a golden opportunity to eat less and exercise more. YAY!(:
before yah know it the pounds will be shedding off and i'll be beautiful!
Im so excited!
I wanna look like a Barbie♥
Barbie is definately my idol. Shes so perfect!
I'm gonna be her for halloween.
yeah i still dress up for halloween cause im cool like that! :)
Perfection here i come!
<3Saydeee

Mia i hate you.

UGH!!!!!!
Worst possible day ever!!
Well food wise..
I wasnt doing to bad until after my best meeting. and what we were focusing on in best today was bullying and how we hoped to end it in my highschool... it triggered me to go home and eat...eat. eat.
oh gosh Mia how i HATE you.
I swear if i couldnt purge i'd probably be 800 pounds....no joke -_-
I'm sick of the food im my house disappearing because of me. me. me.
even my dad told me i needed to stop eating.  he never comments on my eating. NEVER.
so after about 7 purges today my throat is dry and crackly and i have a headache.
Good thing im going on a new "diet" tomorrow.
no more over 400 calories and an hour of intense exercising a day. (nothing new but still)
I'm pretty sure i'll be staying away from food for at least 24 hours tho.
Thats how fucked up my day was.
WOO! so heres to another new start. i can do this.
35 pounds left to shed before my ultimate goal weight :)
but i think i want to lower it again...maybe 100 or 95...or maybe even 85 who knows.
So one last thought!
By my 16th birthday (September 28th)
i wanna be at my goal weight.
think i can do it?
i hope soo<3
56 days to go.
35 pounds to lose.
Ana please give me strength♥
<3Saydeee

So far..not good.

So i was home alone today so i decided to go to the town park and meet my Ex boyfriend just to hangout. Oh giddy god. -_-
BAD CHOICE.
bad bad bad bad bad.
Hanging out turned into making out among other things...he thinks we're getting back together.
It all started with us watching the clouds laughing about what the other one saw.
then he leaned over and kissed me. and i did what any self respecting girl would do...i kissed back.
Now thinking about it..it was stupid. i was STUPID.
See the reason we broke up was that he'd always flirt with everyone.
absolutely everyone.
and it made me feel like shit.
and that he said things like "oh your the biggest girl i've ever dated." how rude.
those and the rest of his imperfections split us up after 9 months of his complete bullshit.
but now that he thinks there is a chance for us im screwed.
My closest friend told me that he was one of the factors that played into the reasons why i had turned to bulimia for comfort.
and i believe her.
I'm just gonna have to get up the courage to tell him no.
i hope i can do it.

On another note my fast is not going well...i was doing absolutely amazing until my parents forced me to eat dinner. which i purged but thats cheating isnt it? i think so. so i will avoid food the rest of tonight and start my fast fresh tomorrow. I will complete this! even if it kills me.(i couldnt be so lucky)
I will be Skinny.
I will be Beautiful.
Just give me time.
Fast starting in: 1 hour and 34 minutes.
120 hours to go♥
<3Saydeee
 

I cant take this anymore.

Ugh. the other day was AWFUL!
My little brother always finds a way to get under my skin.
First the day started out with the nickname chub-a-lub which he called me over 1,000 times yesterday.
Then he started singing in my face and picking on me about how i suck at driving. -_-
Then my moms genius boyfriend picks  the bumpiest road to drive on because i was going to throw up and had a headache.
Assholes.
So i started crying in the car.
No one noticed.
But still the ganging up on me continued.
Then we were home and i was in the bathroom my brother kicks the door open and runs.
so after i was done screaming i went in my room and layed on the bed....he kicked my door open.
I started to have a nervous breakdown.
then again without knocking the door to my room bursts open....my mom...great.
She asked me what i was being a baby about now..thanks mom love yew too.
After i told her she blew up about how every little comment made me cry and that i needed to grow up because if i ever wanted anyone to love me they wouldnt. and if they did they were retarded to put up with my shit.
That made EVERYTHING worse.
So i told her i didnt want to be at her house and i called my dad to pick me up.
she found out and told me that maybe i wouldnt be so cranky if i just ate something. ugh. parents.
So....45 minutes later dadddy is there and we're driving away.
Daddy saved the day this time but if he found out whats really going on he probably wouldnt be so kind.
ugh. then i almost died on my rollerblades. could only do a mile. that ruined my day.
so I finally quit my fast at 84 hours...
New one starting today.
120 hours or bust. 
This month I'm gonna lose at least 15 pounds...hopefully 31 though.
A Pound a day.
here i come.
<3 Saydeee
P.S. Ana, Mia i wanna punch you in the face right now. (:
16 hours 22 minutes down.
103 hours 38 minutes to go♥

Holy crap i think the scale is broken.

Only day two of the fast and the scale said i weigh 143. thats 4 pounds in two days.
there is no freaken wayy!!!
oh and my asshole of a little brother keeps taunting me about my weight.
you wait you little jerk someday you'll be fat.
i mean seriously we added up how much he eats a day and it was over 5,000 calories.
i cant even eat 90 without feeling some sort of guilt or urge to purge.
and to make things worse im at my moms...
im gonna be made to eat i just know it.
and theres junk food everywhere.
i think im in hell.
45 hours 7 minutes down
290 hours 53 minutes to go<3

Fasting Day two.

So today has gone pretty good so far.
i went to my friends house and she ate toast and ramen and cereal infront of me.
i almost died.
iloveeebread. and ramen.
two weaknesses that helped create my disgusting self.
I dont know if i'll be able to keep fasting tho.
im going to my mothers and she pays more attention to what i eat than the people here do.
she might make me eat. and if thats the case i will restart once again!
But after i complete this wonderful fast I've got some unfinished business to do with the ABC diet.
Wish me luck!♥
41 hours 22 minutes down(:
293 hours 38 minutes to go♥

Day One. Continued.

So im proud to say not a single piece of food has entered my mouth today and its going to stay that way.
But my god this is hard. seriously i think my family eats non stop.
my computer is in the dinning room and the kitchen connects and all i see is my family going for food whenever their little hearts desire it. 
WHICH IS LIKE ALL DAY.
I'm glad i have control.
But i think the highlight of my day was when my two year old sister was eating cheese and wanted a hot dog. Daddy said to finish her cheese first. she didnt. did she get the hot dog...yes. and then after my dad got her the hot dog she wouldnt stop saying "i'm in charge" i guess she really is.
19 hours 15 minutes down
316 hours 45 minutes to go.♥

Day one. kinda.

Well its friggen 4:24 am.
i cant sleep.
tried.
but i cant.
just my luck.
Been fasting for almost 4 and a half hours.
not hungry in the slightest.
i probably wont be until friday.
But thats a good thing.  im hoping to lose at least ten pounds before school starts.
20 would be better but hey beauty takes time....and discipline.
which i dont have so this may take a while.
but oh well gotta keep positive or i wont go anywhere!
i think im gonna try sleeping again.
Night nobody :)

Fat Fat Fat Fat FAT

So this is my first post.
My name -> Sayde
Im 15.
Sometimes i would say im an optimist
but other times i would just call myself a depressed bitch.
I suffer from bulimia and i have some anorexic tendencies.
No ones fault but my own i guess.
But heres my story anyways.
Summer of 2010 (Yes last year) I had just moved back to my hometown and me and my friend Sarah decided that we were fat and needed to get skinny for varsity soccer...Well the only problem was soccer was 2 weeks away. We spent countless hours in her pool. Did countless crunches and sit ups. and ate what we considered "healthy". That ugly number 190 didnt change. Then soccer rolled around and we started having 2 hour practices everyday. By the end of soccer i weighed 175. and i was obsessed with counting calories and knowing myself as FAT.  To make things worse Sarah my "friend" starting taunting me with "oh i ate so much less than you." and "you're gonna gain all that weight back." I used to come home from her house crying because i wasnt perfect and knew i never would be. I guess i can thank her for helping me lose weight but at the same time she drop kicked me into an eating disorder. She still makes little comments but not to me. and everytime i hear her comments i shudder to myself and feel like crawling in my bed and never coming out EVER. but people like that arent worth it. or thats what my rents say. One night not to long ago Sarah had taunted me so bad through texting i was crying at my mothers house. That night my mom sat me down and told me i was the most beautiful of her three children. (LIAR) and that she was worried that i would get a mental disorder because i worry way to much. Well to late mom. In addition to Sarah my little brother always finds it fun to slip a little "hey fatass" in everytime im around. "Yeah Love yew too." is my normal response i know hes my brother but it takes a hard hit on my selfesteem. so honestly by now my selfesteem is at a negative 50. ugh. So even after an ass kicking 43 pounds lost i still see that fat 190 pound girl everytime i look in mirror. 190 to 147 and i still look the same. GREAT. 39 pounds to go for my goal weight but i think i wanna go lower once i lose that. i dont know yet.
But anyways....i walked 12 miles today and then binged.
ugh. and i thought the day started off rough
I was on a fast.
Cereal ruined that.
I'm completely hopeless.
I'm always going to be the F word.
yes i said it FAT.
Out of all the swear words i have ever heard i think thats the worse.