Maybe i shouldve known..

Maybe i should've know that you only wanted to use me for sex. and that you really couldnt give two shits about me. maybe i should just give up on you. but i cant. well i already have havent i? i dont answer your texts or calls when you want me to anymore and i definately dont touch those keys that lead to your name. besides ive found someone new...someone better.. someone whos just gonna use me like you do. but unlike you he talks to me. he hugs me. he doesnt think im stupid or clueless.  he likes to tease me like you do tho. he likes to push my buttons. but i think i do love him. which is pretty stupid since i dont know him as well as you....pretty stupid because i probably wont get over you. or the fun we had. never. but those are what memories are for right? youre just a memory. a sweet sad memory. one that i replay over and over again until i fall asleep at night. WAIT.you re the one who did me wrong. why am i even typing i dont even know what to say anymore. i cant really talk to any of my friends anymore. they hate me. or my family. they hate me worse. but i guess i can talk to you. stranger behind the screen. you dont know my name or my story. well maybe my name amd a little bit of my story. but you might not know that i cry everytime i think about September 30th or when i look in the mirror. you may not know that i put all my hope into the food i purge out in hopes of being skinny. and you certainly havent been by my side forever. the only important thing is that youre reading. maybe thinking when is this bitch gonna shut up but youre still reading which is the only thing giving me hope lately. we've never met and we probably never will. but i just wanna say thank you for reading my stupid thoughts that who knows mia could just be making up. but i doubt it. because the pain i feel is real. the headaches the stomachaches the depression and the dizziness. The fainting and blood. i hope theyre dreams. i hope none of this is real. i hope i wake up 7th grade little short skinny tom boy. loved everyone didnt care what others thought. didnt have a care in the world. innocent and pure and still waiting for that first kiss. then i could go back and not make any of the mistakes i did. i wouldnt have gotten fat i wouldnt have lost my virginity i wouldnt have gotten raped i wouldnt have BED or Bulimia. maybe i still wouldve had anorexia but i would tell if i knew then what i know now. i wish i could go back so badd. i would be beautiful i wouldve never broke up with him and i wouldve never broken up a great friendship that ill never get back. id be normal. or normal for the most part. i wouldnt be fat or stupid or depressed. i wish we could just all go back and fix the mistakes we have made but then a friend told me this is what god wants you to overcome. and if he doesnt want you to overcome it you wont. but even if he doesnt and you dont give up you will overcome it to become the person you want to be. and this inspired me. but then i started thinking. i dont want to recover i dont want to try anymore. ill just be fat and bulimic forever. but for the past few days ive been good. 44 hours without purging. is this a turning point? i do hope so. i start the abc again tomorrow. 500 cals. hope they dont make me eat dinner. its easier when theyre not home. i dont want to eat anymore. i just want to stop purging and i know this is the only way besides asking for help that ill be able to stop but i cant ask for help. no no no. i cant. everyone will think im disgusting but if i stop eating theyll think im lovely. and everyone will think im fragile and want to help me. so i have to go back to anorexia if i ever want to have the hopes of recovering. ever. so i guess thats it. pointless rant done. have a very merry christmas! stay safe and strongg.