Wow. I didnt think about that.

So my blog's name is confessions of a 15 year old no one.

it doesnt work anymore :(

because im 16. bahaha.

But im not gonna change it because i still feel 15 :)

Anywaysss.. my schools nurse called my house...shit. busted.

I passed out a while ago. and then on the 27th my blood pressure skyrocketed in class and i went into a panic attack.

So she called my house.

And my dad and sister were talking about it while i was in the room then my dad pulls "she probably doesnt eat" out of his ass.

he had just watched me devour a bowl of cereal...

wow. haha so maybe he'll be watching more carefully?

i doubt it.  but i dont care as long as i dont get in troublee or yelled at or something then im good.

but i feel like im gonna go into cardiac arrest...so hopefully thats just my brain talking not my body.

Oh and my crush was talking to my sister about how i randomly pass out in halls.

thanks boyy.  i feel special.

Breaking point.

IM AT MY BREAKING POINT.

you know...the one where you just dont give a fuck anymore. nothing matters.

i got 160 dollars today for my birthday.

im planning on buying alcohol with it. at least when im drunk i dont remember anything else.

maybe it'll screw with me even more than it already has.

Just today was awful. im at the point where i will go to a hospital and beg them to admit me.

but they wont...because im not sick enough. Who knows. maybe im just faking this whole entire thing...which could be it. maybe im just in dream land and when i wake up ill be 190 again instead of 140.

 Im definately a failure at my ED or thats what i feel like.

IM NOT SKINNY ENOUGH. 

AND I NEVER WILL BE. 

everything i eat i can feel just coming right back up...so why even eat anymore im just done.

IM DONE...

WITH EATING

WITH PURGING

WITH JUST EVERYTHING.

I CANT DO IT ANYMORE.

I'll find comfort in the hunger. and ill find friendship in the loneliness.

Its not like ive every felt accompanied by anyone anyways.

Please someone just help me.

I dont wanna do this anymore.

I wanna get better.

I dont wanna eat.

 I want my parents to help.

NO I DONTT!

YES. YES. I DO.

Someone just please send me to a hospital.

i dont wanna be HERE anymore.

Happy Birthday to me..?

So its my birthday and my day really sucked.

Maybe not to an outsiders point of view but i just feel more invisible than normal.

Sure people said happy birthday to me but i dont know i just feel like a mess. i wanna eat but i really cant.  actually i just wanna go cut. but i wont do that because ive been 31 days free. But anyways first i went to get my permit. the picture sucked and i missed 3 questions on it i felt so stupid because my friends always brag about getting 100s. then my mom made me drive home from there and i almost killed us all :( i feel so stupid. then when i get to school its all happy birthdays but i just feel like complete shit. then practice it felt like everyone was trying to get at me. i got knocked down alot. and on top of it all i have so much homework to do >:[ but the icing on the cake was my best friend didnt even tell me happy birthday..she probably didnt know but it threw me off so bad i felt hated by everyone. and now im just crying while writing this. damn i must look stupid.

Im stuck in the house all night too because my dad told me i couldnt have a party and none of my friends wanted to hangout with me. so here i am alone on my birthday. my family doesnt even wanna be near me.  but i guess im not alone. i have mia.

i guess shes all ive got lately.

Theres no hope anymore.

I just wanna go to the hospital.

and have my parents find out.

Maybe then they would wanna spend time with me.

but probably not...

Wheel Day Weekend.

Well. i didnt make it all weekend fasting. but thats okay. im restarting the abc. just cause i need a clean slate.

Okay. Im not even sure what happened this weekend. I spent it with my friends but woah does it seem confusing. I know nobody wants to read this but oh well i wanna type it♥ hehee.

So on saturday i spent the day up at the fair grounds with some of my close friends and my crushh (:

and most of the time was fun but i felt like my crush and our friend didnt even wanna hang out with me. but then they were so nice to me when i told them how i felt. they were like

"Sayde we wouldnt talk to you if we didnt want to hang out with you!" 

And so i felt a little better and we spent the rest of the night in the pits and suchh. 

but then i got ditched. by everyone and was alone for probably 15 minutes :( it doesnt seem like long but when there are pedobears all over it feels like forever. So i texted my crush with "I'm lonely :(" and he came and found me so i wouldnt have to be alone. but i understand why no one wanted to hang out with me. i was probably being a brat since it was my birthday weekend...but i thought i was being nice..

Anywaysss. i HATE HATE HATE thunder and lightening and fireworks remind me of them so when the fireworks were going on my crush held his hands over my ears♥ it made me feel special. it had actually turned into a good night. but then when i met up with the rest of my friends someone threw those exploding things at me and they hit me so i stormed off pissed because i felt like my night had been a shitty one.

I ended up sitting alone at a bench at the other side of the fairgrounds.

The boys tried texting me and calling me but i wouldnt answer. then they finally found me and calmed me down and my friends called me. so i hid in the side of a music stage with the boys and we talked for 5 minutes before the boys had to go. so my crush hugged me :) and i walked them to the gate and to the car. then my friends called me asking where the hell i went and telling me to get back to them. so i did. then we walked to my house and i got drunk and i cant really remember anything else about saturday.

Sunday.

We woke up. we went back up to the fairgrounds and hungout with my friend i like to call a bodyguard. It was the three of us. then we found the two boys and then people just started to flock with us. which was cool with me because i HATE being alone. Then we all split up for a while and i got a picture with a hot country singer and hung out with some of my girly friends. yadaaa yadaaa. Later on we met up with our friends Wade and Jeremy and i got to get pictures on Jeremys tractor and we spent the rest of the night with them which was funn~ :) Jeremy kept throwing me in the mud and after he left he was texting me about how cute i am and stuff like that...but hes a player. but he called me tonight and we talked for 2 hours and then texted for another half hour after thatt. I dont even know if i like him. but woahhh! he has the same exact birthday as me! same year too!! it freaked me out! haha :D

But now im confused cause my crush was texting me earlier teasing me by calling me babe. urgg! i wish he wouldnt tease me. he doesnt know how hard this is for me. i just got him back as a friend ( we went out for over 2 years) and now im falling for him again. i know im only 15 but damn. this feeling suckksss!  and other guys keep blowing up my phone and i just want to talk to him. but they wont understand thatt.

Sooo in other news i still havent gotten my period and im f*ckin scared. cause i could be prego. or it could be emotional stress or illness cause ive been sick but im so damn scared i just want my period back that would be the best birthday present ever!!! 

Okay. enough of that.
Day one of the ABC:500

Wooo! wish me luckk!!
Jeremy's Tractor :D

When will i have a nice day?!

So im not even sure what to say right now besides i wanna fast till i die.

NO JOKE.

So i binged. bad.

Popcorn

Goldfish crackers

ice cream

Turkey Sandwich

Pizza

Bread sticks.

Coffee

Milk

Granola bars

I wanna kill myself. i purged but holy shit im gonna be fat come morning. ugh.

Fasting all weekend. which is gonna be hard because its wheel day weekend here which means food everywhere, hopefully with the help of my friends ill be able to avoid it all weekend long. which i know i'll be able to. I HATE eating infront of people. especially one of the guys im gonna be hanging out with tomorrow. so tomorrow and sunday should be easy...i hope. wish me luck!♥

1 hr down

The rest of my pitiful life to go.

Not sure if i should be happy or what.

Abc: today i was supposed to eat 400 and i only had 60. i would think id be happy but im just kinda emotionless about it. i feel like i shouldnt have ate at all. :/ but i guess thats just my life.

So i figured out i just wanna be bones. skin and bones. because every skinny girl is way to fat. there are seriously 80 pound people i think are fat. what the f*ck. i guess im just gonna continue on. Abc then maybe something else. hopefully i lose weight. hopefully i disappear. 

What is wrong with me?

Everything seems to be falling apart.

I've given up on recovery even tho i want to stop so bad.

i have no friends or thats what it feels like..

I binged and im supposed to on the abc.

Im just a screw up.

 im on the vurge of another nervous breakdown.

i just wish they would take me to the hospital or something and hook me up to a bunch of machines that would make me feel less selfconcious. that would make me want to eat and stop binging. that would make me stop purging. oh gosh. i wish i could be normal.

I was eating a pancake just a few minutes ago and i purged right here in front of the computer my step mom was in the other room and then i missed the garbage can. who does that?! someone out of their mind. me. urg. i actually like school cause it makes me focus on other things besides food. i wish we had school everyday if thats the case because i always screw myself over when i come home from school. sigh. i think i just need to fast but i have a soccer game tomorrow. fuck. looks like i will be eating. great. in hopes for recovery i guess. or just in hopes to be skinny. either way is fine by me. ugh

hzgjkfha;gjal;sfd a;ldfkj akldfjadlkfja

i guess i have nothing else to sayy

ohh. i look like a lard ass in my soccer pictures -_-

See? -_-

Recovery attempt day one.

So. i purged. well not really but i have a bad feeling that i will like after this post :( but i went over 28 hours purge free. which means i can definately go two weeks easily...well no its gonna be hard. super fucking hard. but i want this. i need this and i will have it.

Hopes for recovery...?

So i blacked out in school on monday and a whole bunch of attention was brought to me. ohh gosh it was so embarrassing. But i realized that a whole bunch of people actually cared about me. i got a bunch of people asking if i was okay several times and a bunch of hugs and people kept texting me to check up on me. It touched my heart to see that people actually do care about me. Even when i got to school today abunch of people who just heard about it we're telling me to take it easy and asking if i was okay. Even my history teacher was kinda nice to me XD i asked him to holepunch something for me cause i was being a complete lazy ass. and he did. but then he told me it was cause he didnt want me blacking out in the middle of his class. muahahah!

But because of all of this and to see the people who actually cared....i want to attemp recovery. because quite frankly im not only just hurting myself anymore. i still wanna restrict but purging is completely out of the question now.  I'm going to try my very hardest! and i believe with the support of the people who care about me i can do it! :)

Wish me luck!

Hours without purge: 5♥

Soon to be days...and hopefully weeks that turn into years♥

Woo. Day 4.

So i should probably plan when i eat better. i didnt eat before my soccer game today and i almost passed out in the locker room. good thing my friend was there to help me off the floor. it was so bad. i fell on the way walking home from school too. note to self: Emergency granola bar in purse at all times. cause i almost passed out again in chemistry. lotsa water too! well...i already drink enough of that. but anyways afterschool today i got to hangout with a bunch of my guy friends ( i cant stand any of my friends that are girls at the moment) and it was nice to be around people who didnt care what i looked like or created drama for stupid reasons. i love boys :D but anyways i learned so much i didnt know about them and i really hope we all continue hanging out because i felt normal for a little while. and i LOVE that feeling. when i can just leave ana and mia behind for a couple hours it just makes my life 100 times better. hehe. soccer game tomorrow. 4 days under 500 cals :D yay!  ( aiming for at least 2 weeks....but 2 months would be great :D)

A Blank Mind and An Empty Stomach.

So. i had a terrible day. yeah. terrible. first thing in the a.m. i feel so fricken huge cause my friends are all smaller than me. -_- Boo! Then my day gets cleared up by my little pre-K students i work study with at school :) i love them♥♥♥ But then i almost passed out in Chemistry and keep losing focus. Laterrrr i had practice which i almost passed out at. and during practice one of my friends told me she was soooo tiny and fragil and that i was just a big lard. wow thanks friend. im not even sure what i feel right now. pissed? Sad? Confused? nope. just blank. oh well hoping for another good day tomorrow calorie wise. 3 days under 500 so far! yay!. maybe im not such a failure. but anyways i have homework. night.

Oh shit.

So blood in my vomit...again. im so fucking smart.

and yet i keep purging. I have to be the stupidest person ever.

but i just cant stop myself. here i am now with chocolate milk and tea because i thought theyd help my throat.

holy cow no. it hurts even worse now...i think i tore my esphagous.

which means liquid fast until it doesnt hurt as much.

goody. i cant wait till school so i dont eat.

i'll finally be able to give my throat a rest.

woo!

Alright nighty nighty. i have practice in the am.

i hope i dont die.

bahaha.

Failure.

WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY?!?!

Why am i never good enough?

Why are you always better than me?

Why can just one thing make a perfect day terrible?

I think i had a perfect day. I went shopping and didnt cry and i went to practice and didnt die and i went to a fire and had alot of fun with my friends.I HAD A COMPLETE DAY PURGE FREE!

But why is it that you text me and ruin my day.

IM SO FUCKING JEALOUS.

everyone likes you. 

you're pretty

you have an amazing personality 

but i cant stand how much i hate you for it. 

i dont even know what else to write because im so fucking depressed.

i hope i dont find my knife tonight. :'[

(This is NOT a suicide attempt FYI) 

ugh fuckit.