Motivation.

This bitch is back.

So i'm back. and here we go again ;)
fasting tomorrow.
then abc.

Well. Fuck Recovery.

Welcome back purging everyday..
welcome back lies.
Welcome back depression
Welcome back perfection.
Its a bittersweet relationship.
<3Sayde.

Yeah cause im so god damn perfect....ugh. people.

So according to my friends im nasty. thats new to me. thanks bitches. So with all that said a whole world of drama came raining down the past few days...great. Ruined my fucking recovery too. at 10 days 5 hours of no purging. i think im just gonna say fuck recovery and ugh. back to the drawing board...recovery or restricting....i packed tomorrows "lunch for restricting" aka a cucumber and some carrot sticks and a 80 cal yogurt. and i have a two hour practice later on in the day. yay I'm gonna lose so much weight it kills em to see me. because im fucking sick of their shit. at least i can control one thing in my life. i can choose if i want it to go up or down. thats one thing you cant do. all you do is fucking binge ugh. (not you reader the "friends") oh and at the end of our little fight "im gonna hurt myself" um why? i didnt do anything  to you. shes so fucking good at playing the innocent card and now shes playing the im not gonna eat card. and i think im way better at that game. so let the games begin bitch. i cant say if im gonna be okay by the end of this but theres only one way to find out. NO MORE RECOVERY FOR THIS GIRL. wow. im stupid. putting my health back in danger for these girls who will be out of my life in a year. but if they think im so perfect like the texts i locked on my phone then ill show them perfect. ill show em what i can do. ugh. rant over.

Attempting Recovery Again. :D

So i feel pretty optimistic about this one. 55 hours purge free. my longest run was a week so hopefully i beat that. im hoping to go at least a month. i deserve this. All of you wonderful beautiful ana and mias deserve this!♥ you are so special and i love you all! but anyways 125 is my healthy goal weight :) hoping i can reach it the healthy way. NO REGRETS<3

Oh jesus Christ.

Okay so i got my ass grounded again. which isnt really a surprise...;) but on the SGD hoping to lose something i cannot lose to myself anymore. heres to a better tomorrow. 2/21/12 is my new beginning. havent purged in.....6 hours. woot woot :) thats always good. i know its a little acomplishment but its big to meee. hehe.
NIghtt

Why am i here?

Seriously. why? i feel like a big ol' failure.
i cant really take anything anymore.
and im fighting. literally holding on to the chair trying not to go upstairs and purge.
its not okay anymore.
I told my schools social worker about it and she told me that i have no choice but to tell my parents this weekend.
whats the point?
they wont care. i just wanna give up.
lie down for a while.
forget about the world.
but then again i want to fight.
but the depression kills the urge to fight and im back to square one.
fat, lazy, stupid, and usless.
Why do i even let myself get like this.
i need to stop. but then again. i dont want to.
why does this have to be so hard.
why me?
are they right when they say its more than a food issue?
i really dont think it is.
i just hate the act of eating.
i always give into my depression. pathetic. i know.
i bet i weigh about 600 pounds.
someone. anyone. please take the food away.
i dont wanna be like this anymore.
i FUCKING HATE myself.
i miss the little girl who wanted it all. but i turned out to be the fat friend who gets nothing. nothing at all. abused and misused and raped and bullied and Self injures and I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE.
why am i so fucked up?
and why would talking to someone make me better.
it wont.
thatts just it.
so im gonna waste my  parents money for nothing.....
stupid me.
you cant do anything right.

Fasting? again?

I think so :)

I cant do this anymore.

So much binging.
so much purging.
so much weight gained.
so its time to start restricting again.
i cant imagine any other way.
so here we go again ladiess. not stopping till im nothing.
much love.

Disgusted with myself.

I cant believe myself. im so fuckin stupid. i feel like such a whore.
New years i went to a party and got drunk and high which is no surprise but still.
I made out with some girls boyfriend and then i started talking with him
i FUCKING HATE MYSELF.
i always do this. i just saw his girlfriends status on Facebook saying that she loved him and i just want to cry. why am i always the other girl. no one ever just wants to be with me :(
and on top of that the ex. is being a dickwad to me too.
when will it end. :'(
maybe if i wasnt such a fuckin screw up people would like me
but i doubt it. :(